How to Cultivate Happiness: Get Rid of the Weeds in Your Life

Working dog by meg price on flickr

Working dog by meg price on flickr

Weeds are a type of plant that appear in even the best of gardens. A whole industry of tools, techniques and herbicides has been created to get rid of them. Why are the grass and plants we call weeds so unwelcomed?

Weeds are the dreaded enemy of beautiful gardens because they compete with your garden for water and nutrients. Likewise, the weeds in your life must go because they sap your energy and block the intake of positive thoughts and action toward your goals.

What are some of these weeds?

1. Some weeds were born into your life through no fault of your own. They are better known as family. Some family members are wonderfully nurturing and a joy to have in your life. Others are toxic, negative, choking the life out of your goals and positive action. You know the ones I mean. They are the ones who leave a heavy cloud of doubt, depression and sorrow even after they are no longer physically present.

2. Some weeds you brought into your life. These are better known as friends, spouses and children. While we all would love to be able to share our dreams and goals with these people closest to us, it’s not always the wisest thing to do. Be selective about sharing your dreams with those who don’t have your best interest at heart. Even though they may have good intentions, watching you go after your passion makes them afraid for your safety and ashamed of their own lack of action. If you let them project their fears and insecurities on you, your progress toward the life that makes you happy will be slowed if not stopped.

3. Some weeds come into your life based on circumstances and situations. These are better known as neighbors, coworkers, and members of clubs and associations. When you were hired by your company or when you joined a given church or club, folks were already there. Some of these people will share your interests and become close friends and partners. Others may feel threatened by your positive actions and work to sabotage you.

How do you remove these weeds from your life?

Minimizing contact is the first step to reduce exposure to the life-sapping efforts of people out to diminish your worth and devalue your goals. When on a job, for example, you choose carefully the people with whom you will have lunch or take breaks.

There are some, of course, from whom you must sever ties as soon as you are aware of the damage they are causing. When you are in any relationship where you sustain physical, emotional or psychological violence, your life and well being depend on removing yourself as soon as possible to safety.

Preventing future weeds from entering and taking over your beautiful and thriving life is the next step. Now that you can recognize them, you can act quickly to keep them from getting a foothold in your life.

Finally, be on guard against inviting and entertaining your own internal weeds in the form of negative thinking and self-destructive habits.

As you practice more positive thoughts, follow your passion and pursue your goals be prepared for the efforts of the weeds to return. It’s their nature to go where they can get nourishment. Now that you are set on cultivating happiness, you must absolutely deny their presence in your life.

But don’t worry about them, they are a hardy and determined breed. They will soon find new, unsuspecting hosts nearby.

Is All Fair in Love?

by dj itch flickr

Hugs 🙂 by dj itch on flickr

We love to lie to the ones we love. Deception is more prevalent in romantic relationships than anywhere else. From “No, you don’t look fat” to “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” the lies in relationships abound.

Missouri psychologist Dory Hollander reported in her book 101 Lies Men Tell Women, that 85% of college students interviewed said that they had lied to their partners about indiscretions.

A few findings from the Top Ten List of the research on lying in romantic relationships are

  • Deception is an inherent and necessary aspect of our close relationships
  • Most deception is successful because it never gets detected
  • We save the biggest and most serious lies for the ones we love

If the concept of lying in relationships is broad enough to cover exaggerations, what do we make of love letters and poetry? Most of us would stop short of calling them lies.  In fact, we long for these exaggerations.

Who wouldn’t want to receive a letter like the one Elizabeth wrote to Robert Browning?

Sonnet #43, From the Portuguese
by
Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints!—I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Go here if you’re up to taking some relationship quizzes.

Most of us enter marriage with high expectations, and yet half of the marriages in the USA end in divorce.
What leads to successful relationships and marriage?

After studying 168 couples from their wedding days through thirteen years, Huston, a pioneer in the psychology of relationships, launched the Processes of Adaptation in Intimate Relationships (the “PAIR Project”) and made the following discoveries:

1. Many newlyweds are not head over heels in love.
2. Couples who do begin their relationships in romantic bliss are more prone to divorce because it’s just too difficult sustaining that intensity.
3. Couples whose marriages last longer don’t have the “Hollywood-style” relationships, but are fairly lackluster by comparison.
4. Couples who continue to love and have affection for each other last longer in spite of any interpersonal conflicts that arise.

So there you have it. A few different views on love, deception and lasting marriages. What do you think?

Do You Have to Continually Grow as a Person to Be Happy?

fishing

I was having lunch with a group of fellow Toastmasters when one of them, Tom, shared an experience.

When he was a youngster Tom spent a lot of time fishing with an older man who lived in the town. When he finished high school Tom went off to the Air Force and later moved to California where he had a family and enjoyed a long career.

When Tom retired, he returned to his hometown for a visit and went down to his fishing spot to reminisce about the good times he had there. To his surprise, the old man who was his former fishing companion was still there over three decades later in his old familiar spot patiently waiting for a fish to take the bait.

When the old man looked up and saw Tom, he greeted him “Where’ve you been?”

I’m not sure what else the old man had done in the incurring three decades that had passed,  but clearly he consistently kept up his favorite pastime of fishing. To Tom it seemed that this old man’s life was frozen in time and yet he seemed happy.

Is it necessary for all of us to go after bigger and bigger goals, move to higher and higher heights in order to be happy? What if this old man had maintained his same routine for all those decades without pursuing any new goals, meeting any new challenges, or expanded his thinking beyond what it took to keep up his daily routine?

When I think about happiness as a destination, I believe there are some people for whom it is a short trip. They discover in childhood or early adulthood what they enjoy, where they prefer to live and their passion. Then they spend their remaining days enjoying it.

What do you think?