Is All Fair in Love?

Hugs 🙂 by dj itch on flickr

We love to lie to the ones we love. Deception is more prevalent in romantic relationships than anywhere else. From “No, you don’t look fat” to “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” the lies in relationships abound.

Missouri psychologist Dory Hollander reported in her book 101 Lies Men Tell Women, that 85% of college students interviewed said that they had lied to their partners about indiscretions.

A few findings from the Top Ten List of the research on lying in romantic relationships are

Deception is an inherent and necessary aspect of our close relationships
Most deception is successful because it never gets detected
We save the biggest and most serious lies for the ones we love

If the concept of lying in relationships is broad enough to cover exaggerations, what do we make of love letters and poetry? Most of us would stop short of calling them lies. In fact, we long for these exaggerations.

Who wouldn’t want to receive a letter like the one Elizabeth wrote to Robert Browning?

Sonnet #43, From the Portuguese
by
Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints!—I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Go here if you’re up to taking some relationship quizzes.

Most of us enter marriage with high expectations, and yet half of the marriages in the USA end in divorce.
What leads to successful relationships and marriage?

After studying 168 couples from their wedding days through thirteen years, Huston, a pioneer in the psychology of relationships, launched the Processes of Adaptation in Intimate Relationships (the “PAIR Project”) and made the following discoveries:

1. Many newlyweds are not head over heels in love.
2. Couples who do begin their relationships in romantic bliss are more prone to divorce because it’s just too difficult sustaining that intensity.
3. Couples whose marriages last longer don’t have the “Hollywood-style” relationships, but are fairly lackluster by comparison.
4. Couples who continue to love and have affection for each other last longer in spite of any interpersonal conflicts that arise.

So there you have it. A few different views on love, deception and lasting marriages. What do you think?