Want to be Happier? Longing for the Good Old Days Will Keep You Stuck

42-15530533Many people believe that somewhere in the past were the good old days and that the old way of doing things is best.

If you are want to be happier but feel stuck, it may because you are clinging to this misguided belief.

Over the next few posts I will share why longing or trying to do things the old way will keep you frustrated, stuck and unhappy.

The truth is the good old days were not always that good. It may seem that way in retrospect, but if you examine all the aspects you may be able to put those memories in perspective.

And if you did have some great times but didn’t savor them because you were constantly trying to be in the future, you missed them anyway.

The number one reason the old way won’t work anymore is when it solved a problem that no longer exists.

There’s a story about a new bride who was cooking her first dinner and invited her mother. Her mother arrived early she was observing her daughter as she cooked.

She noticed that her daughter cut a roast in half and placed each half in its own pot on the stove to cook.

The mother looked at her daughter with curiosity and asked, “Why did you put that roast in two small pots instead of cooking it in just one large one?”

The daughter looked at her mother with surprise and said, ” Don’t you remember, that’s the way you always cooked roasts when I was a child.”

The mother threw her head back in laughter and said, “Oh. I just did that because we were so poor that those two small pots were all that I had.”

The daughter was following her mother’s practice without ever knowing why.

It reminds me of the way my mother rolled out dough with an empty beer bottle because she didn’t own a rolling pin. Wouldn’t it be silly for me to follow my mother’s habit when there’s no longer a need.

Take a look at your habits or your longing for the good ol’ days. Are you behaving according to an old problem that no longer exists or tradition that is no longer serving you?

Tell us about it.

Tool for Happiness: Take Responsibility for Your Life

vicandjazzy2Popular comedian during the 70’s, Flip Wilson, became famous for saying “The Devil made me do it” to explain his behavior.

As we laughed at Flip, the rest of us may have wished that we could blame the Devil or someone else for our behavior too, but it does no good. No one makes us do anything. We choose.

When I got a call from a customer complaining about a flaw in my service once, I could hear the relief in her voice when I took full blame for the problem. I am sure she was braced for a fight, but accepting responsibility diffused her anger. Once I took responsibility for the problem I was able to apologize for the inconvenience she had experienced, and discover what I could do to resolve the problem.

Viktor Frankl, one of the most well-known Holocaust survivors, discovered after he was released from four years of horrible treatment in concentration camps that his wife, family and parents had all died in the camps.

Frankl learned that everything can be taken from a person except one thing–to choose your own attitude in any given set of circumstances. We cannot control others, only how we react to others.

To increase your happiness take responsibility for your own life. Circumstances around you will tug at you for your attention, time and money. The choices you make determine the direction and quality of your life.

How can you better take responsibility for your life?

1. Listen to the feedback you get from people you trust.

One holiday season I drove my grandkids through a neighborhood near me to see the beautiful Christmas light displays on the many homes. As we went around this cul-de-sac, my youngest grandson noticed that we were passing the same houses.

“Are you lost, Grandma?”

“No,” I quickly replied. “I know where I’m going.”

But as I made the third turn around past the same houses looking for the way out of the cul-de-sac, I had to confess to my grandson. “Anthony, you’re right. I am lost. But don’t worry, I’ll find the way out.”

Do you want to be right so badly that you block out good feedback and miss the opportunity to correct your behavior?

2. Give what you want to get.

I also call this “taking what you want to the potluck.”

If you want a party to be fun, you must take fun to the party. If you want to attract friendly people you must be friendly.

Whatever it is you want to receive you must be willing to give. That’s just the way it works.

If you don’t like what you’re getting, take a look at what you’re giving.

3. Stop blaming your parents, spouse or someone else for something that happened long ago.

None of us were responsible for the way we were raised or treated by others. But we are responsible for how we are treating ourselves in the present.

If we continue to live in reaction to the past, we will continue to get the same consequences from the past.

The moment you release the past and decide to live your life the way you want, that’s the moment you begin to get the life you want.

4. Be willing to take the consequences that go with taking responsibility.

As I was positioning my laptop on a table in Starbucks recently I knocked over a clay flower pot. It broke into pieces as it hit the floor.

I reported it to a nearby clerk and asked for a broom so I could pick it up. I was fully prepared to pay for it, if required.

Instead, the clerk said “No worries. Thank you so much for telling us about it. You’d be surprised how many people just try to hide the broken pieces and never tell us.”

Taking responsibility certainly has consequences, but there is no substitute for the good feeling that comes from resisting blame, making good choices, and giving what you want to get.

Tool for Happiness: Build Healthy Relationships

42-17122763Happy people tend to have fulfilling friendships. While we must not count on others for our self-worth, we do benefit from building healthy relationships with others.

Here are five ways to build healthy relationships.

1. Listen

There is a reason that God gave us two ears and one mouth. Listening to others strengthens relationships because it says that they matter to us.

In the early days of my marriage, after attending a social event my husband and I would return home talking about the people we had met there. He would always share all the things he had learned about various people, some of whom I thought I knew well. When I asked him how he learned so much about people in just a few hours time, he said “While you’re busy talking, I’m listening.”

People enjoy talking about themselves, so if you just listen you will learn about them and make them feel valued in the process.

2. Give it time

Building healthy relationships takes time. While we can often get a good feeling about someone on first meeting them, deep and strong relationships require many interactions over time.

We’ve grown accustomed to fast food, fast transportation and fast communication. Developing a strong friendship is not typically done fast. Avoid rushing to “best friend” status, and work at creating long-lasting relationships that grow over time.

3. Set and respect boundaries

While I was attending a networking meeting recently a new member entered the room. When I reached to shake her hand, she put her hands together in prayer-like position, bowed, and explained that she doesn’t like shaking hands. For each new person she met she explained her unwillingness to shake hands.

For this member, a clear boundary was drawn.

While you may not have the same boundary she had, you certainly have limits to what type of touching, behavior or even conversation you allow in your presence.

Some people are happy to welcome surprise visitors to their home, but I prefer visitors to call first.

Other people are happy to meet you at a restaurant for meals, but don’t like having entertaining people at home.

Then there are people who require that you leave your shoes at the door before entering their home.

Setting your own and respecting the boundaries of others gives us comfort by letting us know what to expect. People who are unable or unwilling to respect your boundaries have no place in your circle of friends.

4. Stay in touch.

Most people spend at least half of their waking hours at work, commuting and completing other day to day tasks.

It’s easy for time to pass by without talking to and visiting with friends you enjoy. If you want to maintain your own happiness, it’s essential that you stay in touch with valued relations.

You can stay in touch in person by visiting and enjoying activities together. But you can also stay in touch using the many forms of communication available to us. The important thing here is to make it a priority to make occasional contact to ensure strong healthy relationships.

5. Give mutual support.

Keep healthy relationships by not only lending a listening ear, but also being of assistance when needed.

One friend was recently laid off from her job. I immediately put her in touch with a number of contacts who may be able to help her. Each time I see an announcement of a job fair or other employment opportunity I email it to her.

A healthy relationship is one where you care about what matters to the other person and give your support when possible.

Sometimes your support may involve holding someone’s hand when they are grieving or another time volunteering to help them with an overwhelming task.

The measure and extent of support varies by situations, of course, but healthy strong relationships are strengthened when you give mutual support.

These five ways to build relationships only work when they are reciprocated. Trying to build a relationship with someone who isn’t equally willing to do these five things is like building only half a bridge. Without the cooperation, participation and involvement of the other person, you essentially have no relationship at all.

Tool for Happiness: Make Someone's Day

writing-by-candlelight--photo by skippyjon via flickr

writing-by-candlelight--photo by skippyjon via flickr

Isn’t it interesting that even people who don’t like to send letters, admit that they love receiving them?

Letting someone know that they have made a difference in your life makes their day and adds to your happiness.

No matter how much sending email and text messages have become the common mode of communication, nothing delivers the feeling and emotional impact like a handwritten personal letter or card.

When my children were young they grumbled when I insisted that they send handwritten thank you notes for every Christmas and birthday gift they received. From the way they moaned and whined, you’d think they’d grow up hating to send thank you notes.

On the contrary, as adults they now even send thank you’s to each member of the interview committee following job interviews.

Send someone a handwritten letter today. If you don’t have stationery, a plain sheet of paper or page from a spiral notebook will do. A blank card is a great choice since it gives you structure but also freedom.

The pen you choose won’t matter to the recipient, but it will matter to you. So, choose a pen that feels good in your hand. Give several pens a test drive, then write the letter with the one that flows smoothly across the page and rests comfortably in your hand.

In addition to handwritten letters, I also like to send “real” greeting cards for year-round holidays when people least expect them. Last year, after receiving one of my cards, one friend commented that she didn’t even know they made Happy Thanksgiving cards.

You can buy a set of 6 or 8 of these holiday cards for almost every holiday of the year for around $5. It only takes a few minutes to address them and most mailmen will pick up outgoing mail when they deliver your incoming mail.

I also enjoy sending postcards when I travel. To make this task easy I print off address labels of friends and relatives before I leave town.

On the first day of my trip I look for affordable sets of postcards. Then when I have a long ride or down time between touring historic sites, I can jot a brief greeting on each card. If I don’t find a post office handy I ask the hotel guest services associate to get the stamps and mail them for me.

Letting others know that they matter in your life is a practice that happy people share. The great thing about sending personal handwritten letters or cards is not only do you make someone’s day, but you make yours as well.

Tool for Happiness: Give Up the Quest

Professor Srikumar Rao, creator of popular graduate course Creativity and Personal Mastery, says that anything you think you can get to make you happy is something you also can “unget.” His view is that happiness is hard-wired into us and therefore there is nothing we need to get, do or be to be happy.

Listen to what he has to say. Then share your reactions.