The Lure of the Rogue, the Jerk, and the Wayward is Alive and Well

danger thin iceWhen I was in my early twenties, a friend observed my choice of boyfriends and cautioned me to avoid being a rescuer, trying to save flawed men. By heeding his advice I was saved from throwing myself on the pyre of one relationship that could have only turned out to be a disastrous marriage.

Later, with my biological clock clanging, I married a man who wasn’t completely emotionally available. I only discovered this later, but I got many things from my marriage that I value–four children, support and encouragement through my doctoral studies and fidelity. When these things were no longer enough I ended the relationship by calling for a separation. Less than two years later, before we could divorce, my husband died.

As a widow, I thought I would fare better since I was older and hopefully wiser. But once again I realized I was in another relationship with a man who was not only emotionally unavailable, but wasn’t even my intellectual and social equal. He was a lot of fun though.

After eight years of failing to turn this relationship into the engaging, fulfilling and committed relationship I wanted, I decided I needed time off. I clearly needed time to get to know and love myself better so I would be drawn to a satisfying relationship rather than to a fix-it project.

I didn’t intend for this moratorium from relationships to last for two decades, but while I was busy traveling, enjoying friends and experiences and gaining many insights about myself, time passed. The many things I learned and decided can be summed up in a few words: I decided not to settle for less than I what I want and deserve in a relationship, one of mutual respect, honor and engagement.

Some of my well-meaning friends fear that this decision dooms me to be alone forever. The problem with their prognostication is that they consider being without a committed relationship as being alone. Some of them say I’m too picky. Haven’t they noticed that I’ve been enjoying my life? I think they just want me to be as miserable as they are in their relationships. No thanks.

There is an old saying that a piece of a man is better than no man at all. Whoever started this obviously believed that a woman was not complete without a man in her life even if he was inadequate for her in many ways. It’s hard for me to imagine a situation where that makes sense. But for many woman it seems to be the case.

Lately I’ve observed a number of women around me who are settling for a “piece” of a man I suppose because they fear being alone. There are many variations on this theme, but in the cases I’ve observed the woman is well-educated, self-sufficient, resourceful, strong, determined, creative, energetic and ambitious, but in a relationship with a guy who is the opposite in almost every way: uneducated, “no visible means of support,” no clear goals and lacking energy and drive. Some are middle-aged professional women, dragging along relationships with philanderers, ex-cons, abusers or child molesters.

As a reformed “rescuer” I certainly remember the drive to fix, rehabilitate or save a man. It’s a strong pull, and because females tend to be natural nurturers, it’s an addiction that can doom you to spending many years trying to transform someone, especially if you see yourself as the only one who can save him.

Then there is that lure of the rogue, the adventurous guy without a plan who is so irresistible. If he’s also good looking, charming, and smells good–oooh, it’s dizzying. If you grew up being a “good girl” where there were strict rules, this guy offers the new rush of spontaneity and fun. He often has a great sense of humor since he is worry-free. After all, what does he have to worry about. He’s often living with another woman who is supporting him financially, even providing his luxuries. This other woman may be his mother, ex-wife, or even estranged wife, but you buy into his justification of his living arrangements.

With all the advances in science, medicine, and technology, it seems that we haven’t made much progress in relationships. The lure of the rogue, the jerk and the wayward is still drawing in unsuspecting “good girls” into relationships that seldom pan out to be the ones they envision.

It’s tough to observe the vigorously waving red flag of these relationships as an outsider and decide how best to caution the soon-to-be prey. Sometimes friends conspire to confront the friend in question with straight-out intervention. Other times if you can engage the woman in activities where she is relaxed, you can present the topic and share your observations. If you’re fortunate, she may even approach you requesting advice.

In the meantime, you wonder if you are meddling in a situation where you don’t belong. In a recent Wall Street Journal article, parents of teens are encouraged to speak up when they see their kids making poor dating choices. In a study by Dr. Madsen and others of 225 young adults ages 22 to 29, the researchers concluded that young adults like it when parents take on a coaching or consulting role, but only when asked.

I’m not completely comfortable with this finding. It feels like not warning someone traveling at high speed that the bridge is out unless they’ve inquired.

What do you think?

What Does Having the Choice of 175 Salad Dressings Do to Us?

saladDuring cold season I cruise the medication aisles of my local drug store looking for the drug that matches my combination of congestion, coughing and sinus headache. Once I find this area, I pull box after box from the shelf studying the symptoms that the drug promises to address and has the least scary side effects.

Great! I’ve narrowed my choices.

Oh no. I discover that I had even more choices to make.

Do I want to take a pill, capsule, gel, chewable, or liquid?

Equally important I must decide on the element of time and potency: time-release, daytime or nighttime?

Finally, I must weigh cost with effectiveness. Will the cheaper generic really do as good a job as the costlier name brand that airs fancy commercials.

This ritual is exhausting, especially when I was feeling like crap to start.

But isn’t it great that we have all those choices?

Is it?

Psychologist Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice, argues that the huge number of choices we have in industrial western society do just the opposite of what we think. He believes that too many choices actually paralyze us and restrict our freedom, but worst of all, undermine our happiness.

Listen to what Schwartz has to say and decide if you agree or not. Leave your thoughts.


(original post 3-13-09)

Get Your Head Out of the Sand

ostrichWhen things are rough in your life there is a great temptation to stick your head in the sand practicing big-time denial.

I caution you not to do that because a very vulnerable part of your body is exposed, inviting even more hardship.  If you take your head out of the sand, you’ll not only get air and be able to breathe, but you will be able to see solutions as they appear.

I speak from experience.

When I returned to graduate school to take advantage of a grant I was required to go to school full time. That meant leaving my full-time junior high teaching job. (I had just gotten a raise too.)  I applied for a leave but the school district was unwilling to approve it, so I retired.

At the time we had two daughters, 5 and 2 in private school. My husband’s salary would become our full support. We knew we were taking a risk going from two salaries to one. In spite of a pile of bills we decided I couldn’t afford to miss this opportunity to earn my Ph.D. from the largess of grant. So, I enrolled at USC and began my studies.

The grant paid my tuition, gave a generous monthly book allowance and provided a starting monthly stipend of $250. We kept our girls in a private Montessori school to the tune of $100 each per month and spent the remaining $50 on gas for one of our two cars.

During the four years it took me to finish school, I had a third child, my son (on purpose,) and experienced many financial ups and downs. Every time it seemed that we had made it through another month, something seemed to break down.

First, was the second car, so we had to share a car. In Los Angeles that was doable when my husband’s job was nearby. I could drop him at work and the girls at school on my way to classes. But when his job transferred him to Long Beach, the opposite direction from where the rest of us were going everyday, somebody would have to take the bus.

No more carpooling. We decided he would drop the girls off and drive to work then pick them up afterwards. We were blessed to have a babysitter who came to my house to keep our young son. By now the granting institution had increased my monthly stipend to $450. Now I could pay the babysitter.

I would catch the bus to and from school.

The second major break down occurred when we had exactly $115 left in our checking account after paying all our bills. This was in the mid-70’s so I was pretty happy with this balance.

It almost seemed on cue that the water heater went from a leak to a flood. The cost to replace it: $115.

I had to laugh at this even then and moreso now.

I felt like Job in the Bible.

One thing that kept us going was the realization that we were making this sacrifice for a very important goal: completing my doctorate.

Another thing that sustained us was our strong faith in God. During this time our spiritual muscles strengthened as we dealt with other tough challenges while taking good care of our kids.

We discovered that facing our problems head on enabled us to see solutions, not always perfect ones, but perfectly good for the time.

In our once overflowing refrigerator, freezer and kitchen cabinets, we had just the basics. My mother and babysitter feared that we were starving, but we weren’t. My oldest daughter jokes to this day that I made every recipe on the Biscuit box. She was right. With a little syrup or margarine or ground beef and cheese we could have a meal. Nobody went hungry. Nothing was wasted.

We became so frugal that after I finished my degree and took a university position, my kids didn’t believe me during a trip to the grocery store when I told them they could choose a name brand cereal.

Many people are either facing tough times or anticipating tough times. Keeping your head in the sand will not change the problems. As a matter of fact, delay usually just makes things worst.

Coming up for air will give you clarity and enable you to see solutions.

So, if you’re guilty of hiding your head during hard times and exposing your rear, get your head out of the sand now. Better times await you.

(originally posted 3-31-09)

Three Steps to Unearth, Dust Off and Go After Your Dream

Want That Happiness for Here or to Go?

queueWaiting my turn at a quaint coffee shop in San Diego recently, I listened as customers ordered breakfast:

“Breakfast quiche,” said one customer.

“I’ll have the ham and cheese croissant,” said the next customer.

Following each food order the clerk asked “Do you want that for here or to go?”

Over and over he asked the same question, “Do you want that for here or to go?”

That’s when it hit me. We answer that question everyday when we make decisions about our lives.

Each time we make choices we decide if we want to pursue this or that goal or do we want to delay for some future time.

The problem with pushing our goals into the future is that we can push them so far that we run out of time, at least in this lifetime.
Of course if you believe in reincarnation you have another shot, but let’s deal with one lifetime at a time, shall we.

Here are three ways to get your happiness here and now.

1. Give yourself permission.

We are often our worst enemies since we stage a war with ourselves in our heads. If you find yourself hesitating to start toward a goal, you are afraid of success or failure. You are definitely concerned about whether you deserve the wonderful things you imagine. You are worried about what other people think or waiting for approval from others before you start.

We all want the best for those we love.  So learn to love yourself. Then give this amazing person called “you” permission to do, be, and embrace whatever makes you happy.

2. Find out what you really want.

This may sound simple on the surface, but discovering what we want requires research and exploration. We often judge what we want by the fun others seem to having with it.

You may think, for example, that  you would enjoy living in a tranquil environment in the woods, off the main road miles away from the nearest shopping center and surrounded by nature. Before you pull up your city roots, give this tranquil life a test drive in the form of a vacation, a visit or a short stay. While this living style may be very appealing from the comfort of a movie theater seat, it may not be what you really would enjoy in its entirety.

3. Gather the resources to help you reach your goals.

Once you decide what you really want, it’s time to line up the people, information and tasks that will help you achieve your goal. When I decided to write my book, Color Your Life Happy, here are a few steps that helped me reach my goal:

  • Read or heavily skimmed the major books, articles and blogs  in the happiness field
  • Bought a laptop
  • Attended a one-day Positive Psychology conference to learn from researchers what findings they had discovered
  • Hired  a life coach
  • Hired a publishing coach
  • Changed my main workspace to my living picture window where I could get light.
  • Visited the library and bookstores sometimes to browse, sometimes to write in a different environment
  • Set up a writing schedule
  • Attended a publishing institute where I met other authors actively involved in the writing process
  • Joined Toastmasters to work on speaking skills
  • Joined an Internet marketing group to learn more about promoting my book
  • Made notes on my experiences and observations on vacations and trips away from home

No one of these tasks got my book done.  Each one played a part in the ideas, motivation, writing, publishing and marketing.

It’s certainly up to you whether you want your happiness now or for another lifetime.  Try the steps I shared if you want happiness for here.