Happiness Tip: Focus on What You Want

Going Through v.s. Going Around

vicandjazzy2In her blog yesterday, Being Joy-Being Enough, blogger Joy Tanksley so generously shared about  her day.  It started off upbeat but took a downward turn when she let a negative comment about her introductory video dampen her spirits and almost ruin her day.

I set out to encourage Joy by leaving a short comment, but as I wrote, an article spilled out. From Joy’s experience I got reaffirmation of the importance of going through painful feelings rather than trying to go around them, so I’m sharing the full comment I left on her  blog.

==============

Hi Joy,

I applaud you for shar­ing your feel­ings with us because we all strug­gle with dips in mood and con­fi­dence when we receive out­side crit­i­cism. The sad­dest part is that it works to unearth our self-criticism often hark­ing back to past mem­o­ries such as you men­tion about your cheer­leader days.

When we share your story it helps us get in bet­ter touch with ours.

You were so wise to have stayed with your painful feel­ings by cry­ing, reflect­ing and ana­lyz­ing. We are often too quick to stuff our pain and cover it over with tem­po­rary feel-good. Look at how it empow­ered you and now your read­ers for you to have “gone through” rather than “gone around”.

I love your spirit and energy, and espe­cially am happy that you decided to bypass per­fec­tion and take pos­i­tive action instead. The best part about blog­ging is the oppor­tu­nity it gives us to share our mag­nif­i­cence with the world with­out hav­ing to con­vince an exec­u­tive board or cre­ative team that we are wor­thy. Many peo­ple are wait­ing to hear the uplift­ing mes­sage that you and other life coaches share. You are help­ing to heal and empower the world in a way that’s never been pos­si­ble in his­tory until now.

The harsh crit­i­cism from this trou­bled stranger hurt at first because you’re human, but look at the les­son that you learned from it that you now share with us who need to hear it also. Anyone and any­thing that tries to con­vince us that we are not ok, that we’re not enough is lying. We each came to the world to share a spe­cial gift. Like each lily in the field we are dif­fer­ent, but beau­ti­ful and pow­er­ful in our own way.

I’m guilty of start­ing my day on a high some­times, and then let­ting someone’s off com­ment or my own self-criticism dampen my spir­its and send me spi­ral­ing into ugly guilt or shame. Because I grew up with such strong insis­tence from my par­ents and elders that I be a “big girl” and “toughen things out”, it’s not easy for me to cry. When I do, how­ever, I ben­e­fit tremen­dously. I think of tears as wind­shield washer that clears the win­dows of our soul, enabling us to see what was blocked by lay­ers of muck.

Of course your video is per­fect for con­nect­ing with your clients, not every­one in the world, but your right­ful and perfect-for-you clients.

Keep danc­ing and being joy­ful and help­ing us do the same. It is your mis­sion. Thank you for accept­ing it.

Blessings,

Flora

==============

I hope you now agree that going through painful feelings when they crop up (and they will,)  is better than trying to go around them. After all,  when we go through there is a clearing on the other side full of hope, joy and renewed energy.

5 Ways to Go from Overwhelmed to Productive

disappointedDarren Rowse of ProBlogger wrote a blog post earlier this year about how to get things done when you’re feeling overwhelmed

I added three additional ways to his points when I left the following response on his blog.

Three Ways

1. Walk it out–going for a walk helped me get through bouts of doubt and overwhelm when I was working on my book

2. Sleep on it–taking a nap or getting a good night’s sleep works wonders for me when I’ve been spending far too many hours stressing about a project

3. Look at the task from another perspective or another location–leaving my home office to work in the library or a local coffee shop occasionally gave me the needed change to approach my project with new eyes.

Two More

Recently I’ve been overwhelmed with juggling so many projects and needing to make some important choices, so I’m adding two more ways to the list.


4. Turn off the spigot.

In my efforts to get ideas for my business and check out what others are doing in my niche, I finally realized that I was listening to an overwhelming number of teleseminars, webinars, and reading a LOT of blogs and articles. I caught myself one day trying to listen to two overlapping teleseminars at one time. How crazy is that?
No wonder I’m feeling overwhelmed. My mind is overflowing with more information than it could successfully process.

So I put myself on restriction. No more teleseminars for a while. After all, I’ve already gained enough information to absorb and process. Besides, some of it is  contradictory and must be filtered through my own values and goals in order to be implemented. So why add more to the mix.

5. Help a friend

In his post, Darren recommended talking to a friend to verbalize the issue over which you are overwhelmed.

I mean something different here.

Offer your help to friend who is struggling with a problem, needs comforting, or needs a ride to the doctor or airport.

During this interaction with your friend, your overwhelming situation is off limits for discussion.
You are now wondering how this helps you become productive.

The human mind is amazing. Once given a problem, it continues to work on it in the background even when you are not actively attending to it.

Once you’ve turned your attention away from your projects to help your friend, don’t be surprised when you return to your work to discover that the tangles that lead you to be overwhelmed have smoothed out and pathed the way to productivity.

The Top 5 Ingredients in a Happy Marriage, and Romance Isn't One of Them

When I saw this video of couples from a marriage ministry showing their love through dance at Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, it made me consider what the top 5 ingredients in a happy marriage must be.

In our youth we mistakenly believe that romance is the cornerstone of a happy marriage, but it is just a small part of marriages that last.

There are five key ingredients in a happy marriage.

1. Two happy people.

When you enter any relationship as a whole and happy person, the chances of that relationship working are tremendously increased. No pressure is put on the other partner to “make” you happy. This is especially true in marriage where the relationship is based on deep intimacy and trust.

2. Shared values.

Two partners in a marriage may have varied interests, but they must share core values. When issues such as spiritual beliefs, desire for children, role expectations, sexual expectations and attitude toward money are not shared by both people in the partnership, constant tugging and dissension can tear the relationship apart.

3. Compatible life paths.

While partners in a marriage may have different life purposes, careers, and areas of expertise, they must be in agreement on the life path they will travel together.

4. Open communication and commitment.

No problem can last that is subjected to open communication and a commitment to resolution. A couple that can feel safe to discuss any and every issue is equipped to handle whatever comes up in the everyday ups and downs of living.

5. Genuine like and love between the two.

A happy couple enjoys each other’s company. They are comfortable with each other. When you observe them you can see that they not only love each other, but like each other as well.

What do you think? Do you have a different view of the top 5 ingredients in a happy marriage?

Can You Savor Your Sixties and Plan for Death at the Same Time?

Photo by everestyogatrek from flickr

Photo by everestyogatrek from flickr

I recently discovered an inspiring blog,  Savoring Your Sixties , by Bonnie McFarland. At the end of her free ebook, “Loving Your 60’s: 6 Tips to Start Now,” she asked readers to share their concerns. Here’s what I wrote.

===========

Hi Bonnie,

I just learned about your site and book recently and just finished the ebook.

I enjoyed it and plan to blog about it soon.

In the meantime, I want to respond to one of your questions about what is challenging in my sixties.  I have created a full, busy and satisfying life, although I’m always reading and exploring deeper.

The one thing I can’t seem to settle on is whether I want to be buried or cremated when I die.  When my mother died at age 92 she had prepaid for her funeral and burial decades before, and boy! did that make it a lot easier to carry out her funeral.

The only thing she didn’t specify or pay for were the flowers.

She had chosen the songs she wanted, but the people she had designated to sing at her funeral had all preceded her in death.

But still, she had done so much planning that the inevitable disagreements that would have ensued among me and my siblings were averted.

I would like to make it easy for my kids to take care of my remains.

On the one hand, I favor cremation and tossing the ashes somewhere because I don’t want them feeling guilty about not visiting my grave on Mother’s Day and all the other days that folks think you should  visit graves.

I wouldn’t want my ashes sitting on some mantle in an urn either. They eventually get knocked over and have to be swept up and tossed in the evening garbage anyway.

Besides, going to a funeral of someone who has been cremated is a snap for the well-wishers. No following that long procession of cars from the church to a cemetery that is always in another city, then making your way back to the church of home of the family to partake of the repast.

But burning seems so harsh.

On the other hand, burial doesn’t sound much better. Since I can only think of myself as live, I see burial as suffocation.

But then, paying for a casket and burial plot just doesn’t make as much sense as it used to. Cremation is definitely cheaper.

To complicate my decision, I love crime dramas. Every now and then a body that’s about to be cremated or embalmed is discovered to still be alive.  Yikes!

I could leave all these decisions to my four adult kids after I die, but they have trouble agreeing on almost everything. So, I feel compelled to make this decision myself, and soon.

What to do! What to do!

Blessings, Flora

====================

No matter what your age, have you planned your funeral or pondered how you want your body handled after death?