Going Through v.s. Going Around
In her blog yesterday, Being Joy-Being Enough, blogger Joy Tanksley so generously shared about her day. It started off upbeat but took a downward turn when she let a negative comment about her introductory video dampen her spirits and almost ruin her day.
I set out to encourage Joy by leaving a short comment, but as I wrote, an article spilled out. From Joy’s experience I got reaffirmation of the importance of going through painful feelings rather than trying to go around them, so I’m sharing the full comment I left on her blog.
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Hi Joy,
I applaud you for sharing your feelings with us because we all struggle with dips in mood and confidence when we receive outside criticism. The saddest part is that it works to unearth our self-criticism often harking back to past memories such as you mention about your cheerleader days.
When we share your story it helps us get in better touch with ours.
You were so wise to have stayed with your painful feelings by crying, reflecting and analyzing. We are often too quick to stuff our pain and cover it over with temporary feel-good. Look at how it empowered you and now your readers for you to have “gone through” rather than “gone around”.
I love your spirit and energy, and especially am happy that you decided to bypass perfection and take positive action instead. The best part about blogging is the opportunity it gives us to share our magnificence with the world without having to convince an executive board or creative team that we are worthy. Many people are waiting to hear the uplifting message that you and other life coaches share. You are helping to heal and empower the world in a way that’s never been possible in history until now.
The harsh criticism from this troubled stranger hurt at first because you’re human, but look at the lesson that you learned from it that you now share with us who need to hear it also. Anyone and anything that tries to convince us that we are not ok, that we’re not enough is lying. We each came to the world to share a special gift. Like each lily in the field we are different, but beautiful and powerful in our own way.
I’m guilty of starting my day on a high sometimes, and then letting someone’s off comment or my own self-criticism dampen my spirits and send me spiraling into ugly guilt or shame. Because I grew up with such strong insistence from my parents and elders that I be a “big girl” and “toughen things out”, it’s not easy for me to cry. When I do, however, I benefit tremendously. I think of tears as windshield washer that clears the windows of our soul, enabling us to see what was blocked by layers of muck.
Of course your video is perfect for connecting with your clients, not everyone in the world, but your rightful and perfect-for-you clients.
Keep dancing and being joyful and helping us do the same. It is your mission. Thank you for accepting it.
Blessings,
Flora
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I hope you now agree that going through painful feelings when they crop up (and they will,) is better than trying to go around them. After all, when we go through there is a clearing on the other side full of hope, joy and renewed energy.
5 Ways to Go from Overwhelmed to Productive
Darren Rowse of ProBlogger wrote a blog post earlier this year about how to get things done when you’re feeling overwhelmed
I added three additional ways to his points when I left the following response on his blog.
Three Ways
1. Walk it out–going for a walk helped me get through bouts of doubt and overwhelm when I was working on my book
2. Sleep on it–taking a nap or getting a good night’s sleep works wonders for me when I’ve been spending far too many hours stressing about a project
3. Look at the task from another perspective or another location–leaving my home office to work in the library or a local coffee shop occasionally gave me the needed change to approach my project with new eyes.
Two More
Recently I’ve been overwhelmed with juggling so many projects and needing to make some important choices, so I’m adding two more ways to the list.
4. Turn off the spigot.
In my efforts to get ideas for my business and check out what others are doing in my niche, I finally realized that I was listening to an overwhelming number of teleseminars, webinars, and reading a LOT of blogs and articles. I caught myself one day trying to listen to two overlapping teleseminars at one time. How crazy is that?
No wonder I’m feeling overwhelmed. My mind is overflowing with more information than it could successfully process.
So I put myself on restriction. No more teleseminars for a while. After all, I’ve already gained enough information to absorb and process. Besides, some of it is contradictory and must be filtered through my own values and goals in order to be implemented. So why add more to the mix.
5. Help a friend
In his post, Darren recommended talking to a friend to verbalize the issue over which you are overwhelmed.
I mean something different here.
Offer your help to friend who is struggling with a problem, needs comforting, or needs a ride to the doctor or airport.
During this interaction with your friend, your overwhelming situation is off limits for discussion.
You are now wondering how this helps you become productive.
The human mind is amazing. Once given a problem, it continues to work on it in the background even when you are not actively attending to it.
Once you’ve turned your attention away from your projects to help your friend, don’t be surprised when you return to your work to discover that the tangles that lead you to be overwhelmed have smoothed out and pathed the way to productivity.
The Top 5 Ingredients in a Happy Marriage, and Romance Isn't One of Them
When I saw this video of couples from a marriage ministry showing their love through dance at Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, it made me consider what the top 5 ingredients in a happy marriage must be.
In our youth we mistakenly believe that romance is the cornerstone of a happy marriage, but it is just a small part of marriages that last.
There are five key ingredients in a happy marriage.
1. Two happy people.
When you enter any relationship as a whole and happy person, the chances of that relationship working are tremendously increased. No pressure is put on the other partner to “make” you happy. This is especially true in marriage where the relationship is based on deep intimacy and trust.
2. Shared values.
Two partners in a marriage may have varied interests, but they must share core values. When issues such as spiritual beliefs, desire for children, role expectations, sexual expectations and attitude toward money are not shared by both people in the partnership, constant tugging and dissension can tear the relationship apart.
3. Compatible life paths.
While partners in a marriage may have different life purposes, careers, and areas of expertise, they must be in agreement on the life path they will travel together.
4. Open communication and commitment.
No problem can last that is subjected to open communication and a commitment to resolution. A couple that can feel safe to discuss any and every issue is equipped to handle whatever comes up in the everyday ups and downs of living.
5. Genuine like and love between the two.
A happy couple enjoys each other’s company. They are comfortable with each other. When you observe them you can see that they not only love each other, but like each other as well.
What do you think? Do you have a different view of the top 5 ingredients in a happy marriage?
Can You Savor Your Sixties and Plan for Death at the Same Time?
I recently discovered an inspiring blog, Savoring Your Sixties , by Bonnie McFarland. At the end of her free ebook, “Loving Your 60’s: 6 Tips to Start Now,” she asked readers to share their concerns. Here’s what I wrote.
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Hi Bonnie,
I just learned about your site and book recently and just finished the ebook.
I enjoyed it and plan to blog about it soon.
In the meantime, I want to respond to one of your questions about what is challenging in my sixties. I have created a full, busy and satisfying life, although I’m always reading and exploring deeper.
The one thing I can’t seem to settle on is whether I want to be buried or cremated when I die. When my mother died at age 92 she had prepaid for her funeral and burial decades before, and boy! did that make it a lot easier to carry out her funeral.
The only thing she didn’t specify or pay for were the flowers.
She had chosen the songs she wanted, but the people she had designated to sing at her funeral had all preceded her in death.
But still, she had done so much planning that the inevitable disagreements that would have ensued among me and my siblings were averted.
I would like to make it easy for my kids to take care of my remains.
On the one hand, I favor cremation and tossing the ashes somewhere because I don’t want them feeling guilty about not visiting my grave on Mother’s Day and all the other days that folks think you should visit graves.
I wouldn’t want my ashes sitting on some mantle in an urn either. They eventually get knocked over and have to be swept up and tossed in the evening garbage anyway.
Besides, going to a funeral of someone who has been cremated is a snap for the well-wishers. No following that long procession of cars from the church to a cemetery that is always in another city, then making your way back to the church of home of the family to partake of the repast.
But burning seems so harsh.
On the other hand, burial doesn’t sound much better. Since I can only think of myself as live, I see burial as suffocation.
But then, paying for a casket and burial plot just doesn’t make as much sense as it used to. Cremation is definitely cheaper.
To complicate my decision, I love crime dramas. Every now and then a body that’s about to be cremated or embalmed is discovered to still be alive. Yikes!
I could leave all these decisions to my four adult kids after I die, but they have trouble agreeing on almost everything. So, I feel compelled to make this decision myself, and soon.
What to do! What to do!
Blessings, Flora
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No matter what your age, have you planned your funeral or pondered how you want your body handled after death?
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