Photo by Dh33dha on flickr

As I was driving to a business lunch yesterday  the radio announcer began to share Billboard’s picks of the top 50 sexiest songs of all time.  (We can count on the anticipation of Valentine’s Day to bring out lists such as this.)

Different songs began to run through my head as possible picks.

I didn’t expect to completely agree with songs that made the cut, but come on–Olivia Newton John’s “Let’s Get Physical” is the sexiest song of all time?  Evidently Billboard had robots pick those songs.

As it turns out,  Billboard’s picks were selected by a robotic and moronic process.  The songs that made the list were the most popular based on each song’s performance on the Billboard Hot 100 chart (from August 4, 1958 — the inception of the Hot 100 chart — through the Jan. 16, 2010 issue) and that had anything remotely related to sex  in the lyrics.

Eew! That method of selection made for some strange bedfellows.

So, it’s not the list that was the problem, but the title of the list.  They should have called their list the Top 50 Songs That Stayed on the Billboard List Longest for God Knows What Reasons and That Mentioned Sex or Anything Remotely Related to Sex in the Lyrics.

Billboard don’t know squat about sexy songs.

A sexy song is suggestive, compelling, soul-stirring, and sometimes  steamy, throbbing and even instructive. A sexy song isn’t just a set of lyrics,  or a soulful singer, it’s  the musical lead-in and backdrop and memorable strains . Sexy songs make you want to snuggle, sway with the one you love, and finally to cut to the chase.

I agree with a few of Billboard’s picks

Number 3: I’ll Make Love to You by Boyz II Men (1994)

Number 5: Let’s Get It On Marvin Gaye

Number 22: Freak Me by Silk

Number 36: Bump and Grind by R. Kelly

but no list of sexy songs can be taken seriously without songs by Luther Vandross, Teddy Pendergrass and Barry White.

When you walk into a room and your lover is playing  “If Only for One Night” by Luther Vandross,  “Turn Off the Lights” by Teddy Pendergrass or “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love Baby” by Barry White there is no mystery about how where your evening is headed.

Okay, I know some of you can’t wait to set me straight.  Let me have it.