achieve goals Archives - Page 4 of 4

At the end of a report on a longitudinal study on happiness, there was an opportunity for readers to leave comments.

I was drawn to this comment from one of the readers:

In another more distant time, I was quite depressed, and found that walking up a corridor the automatic door would not open for me, although it would for anyone else walking up the same corridor … This happened over some weeks and did little for my self-esteem. It was only later that I realized that I was walking along the edge of the corridor, and the others were walking confidently in the center and that I was missing the beam.

This comment struck me as one of the reasons we miss the good that is available for us in life. Staying along the fringes for whatever reason can certainly cause us to miss the sources so readily available if we were in line with them.

If we are already suffering from low self-esteem or depression, it doesn’t take much to confirm what we already believe to be true. A self-fulfilling prophecy sets in motion.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in position to receive good so we don’t miss the beam?

Here are three things that have helped me navigate through life without missing the beam:

1. Do unto others as we would have them do unto us.

This Golden Rule is so universal that various versions of it are found in over 21 religions. Here are a few.

Judaism: What is hateful to you, do not to your fellow man. This is the law: all the rest is commentary.” Talmud, Shabbat 31a.

Sufism: “The basis of Sufism is consideration of the hearts and feelings of others. If you haven’t the will to gladden someone’s heart, then at least beware lest you hurt someone’s heart, for on our path, no sin exists but this.” Dr. Javad Nurbakhsh, Master of the Nimatullahi Sufi Order.

Yoruba: (Nigeria): “One going to take a pointed stick to pinch a baby bird should first try it on himself to feel how it hurts.”

Native American Spirituality: “Do not wrong or hate your neighbor. For it is not he who you wrong, but yourself.” Pima proverb.

None of these sayings suggest you be a doormat or let others use you. But extending kindness or refusing to knowingly hurt another, has a greater effect on you than it does on others.

2. Give what you want to receive.

I recently shared with my sister that I had received a card from one of our childhood friends.

She quickly shot back at me “I never hear from any of those people.”

To which I asked, “How many times have you written to them?”

She hadn’t kept in touch with our childhood friends over the years, and yet she wondered why she hadn’t received the very thing she hadn’t given.

Are you guilty of wanting to receive what you’re not willing to give?

This is not a new idea.

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Luke 6:38 NIV)

3. Act as if

“If you want a quality, act as if you already had it.” Willam James

This is a tough one for me, but it has worked for me more than once, not just in terms of qualities, but things as well.

Many years ago when I wanted to end a 37 mile commute and move closer to my job, I spent every weekend combing the classifieds and traveling to model homes in new developments and older homes in established neighborhoods. My plan was to find the home I wanted and then begin plans to sell my then current home.

One Sunday evening when I returned from house-searching, a heard a very clear voice say, “You don’t really want to move!”

It startled me since we were still unloading the car, and it was clearly not my kids’ voices.

“What are you talking about?” I thought back to the voice in protest. “I do want to move!”

“No, if you really wanted to move, you’d sell your house first.”

I don’t which was more shocking–a voice speaking to me, or the thought of selling my house before I even had the next house in sight.

But I was convinced that this was a clue that I had to act as if the house I wanted was already mine. So, I proceeded to put my house up for sale. It was a scary move, but I was convinced that it was the thing to do.

From the moment the For Sale sign went up on my home, a serious of events began to unfold. The most miraculous was a friend calling to offer to sell me a house she had inherited that was within 10 miles of my job. The remaining events unfolded like the script in a well-written play. Within 7 months my house was sold, my new home was out of escrow and I was moving into my new home two weeks before my teaching job resumed.

If these three ways of getting in line with your good don’t resonate with you, think instead of your cell phone, digital TV or wireless internet service. No matter how great your equipment, surely you agree that it must be in an area where signals are present, and you must be aligned to receive those signals.

The concept of wireless service does not mean no connections are required. You still must have equipment that at some level is wired into a source.

We, as humans, must be in align with a source as well. It doesn’t matter whether you call your source God, Jehovah, higher being, Mother Nature, science, private intuition, the goodness of mankind or Verizon.

Acknowledging your source and aligning yourself with it is what enables you to successfully connect with your good.

If you have been missing the beam, try these three tips and you will confidently embrace your happiness.

Filed Under: achieve goals, allowing, Happiness Tagged With: aligning with your good, attracting good, extending kindness, giving

Are You Normal, Do You Want to Be and What Does This Have to Do with Happiness?

By Flora 4 Comments

Rorschach_blot_01 During a reunion of friends I hadn’t seen for a year, we met over dinner and each shared our progress toward personal and professional goals. In the process of sharing events of her year one friend disclosed that she’s motivated by trying to prove to her family that she is as smart as her high-achieving “specialist doctor” brother.

When she confessed that this stems back to childhood she recounted some of the verbal attacks and labels she has endured at the hands of this brother even now (although they are both highly educated professionals.) The rest of us at the table were horrified, visibly shaken and some teary-eyed to hear and see the pain she has endured. By contrast, she was surprised at our reaction. What was dysfunction with a capital D to the rest of us was normal family relations to her.

In a Psychology Today article, Peter Kramer discusses the concept of normal from two angles

As the experience of mid-century shows, we can hold two forms of normality in mind—normal as free of defect, and normal as sharing the human condition, which always includes variation and vulnerability. We may be entering a similar period of dissociation, in which risk and pathology become separated from abnormality—or an era in which abnormality is universal and unremarkable.

We are used to the concept of medical shortcomings; we face disappointing realizations—that our triglyceride levels and our stress tolerance are not what we would wish. Normality may be a myth we have allowed ourselves to enjoy for decades, sacrificed now to the increasing recognition of differences. The awareness that we all bear flaws is humbling. But it could lead us to a new sense of inclusiveness and tolerance, recognition that imperfection is the condition of every life.—Peter Kramer

I always equated normal with boring, so it was never my goal. According to my kids and friends I succeeded. As a matter of fact, my kids don’t mind reminding me from time to time with “You’re weird.”

“Good!” I think to myself, “I’m still on track.”

One of my favorite Twilight Zone TV episodes shows a scene of a doctor and nurse standing in a darkened room at the bedside of a patient whose face is fully bandaged. She has undergone experimental surgery to correct her disfigurement so she will be allowed to remain in the State. This is the eleventh and final surgical attempt to make her beautiful. If this doesn’t work she’ll be cast out to live in a village with other freaks.

As the doctor and nurse remove the bandages, the doctor comments to the nurse that Janet, the patient, is a beautiful person no matter what a face looks like. When they remove the last layer of bandages and Janet is revealed as a beautiful human female, the audience is confused for a moment. When the staff turns on the lights we see that all of the staff have pig-like faces.

Fearful over her fate, Janet runs out into the hall , past a State broadcast on complete conformity. She runs into a room where she finds herself face-to-face with a horrifying sight, a handsome human male, Walter Smith. The episode ends with Walter taking Janet to the village where others of her kind live.

Normal is very much what we decide it to be.

What we accept as normal can change as our goals, desires, and situations change. I believe that the source of some of our unhappiness is discontent with what has become normal in our lives and failure to do anything about it. It’s a proven fact that to make changes in our lives we have to adopt new habits. That means resetting whatever was once normal for us.

The ever popular goal of losing weight, for example, requires not just eating less and exercising more, but adopting a new lifestyle. If sleeping in and stuffing your face with donuts is your normal, it’s likely you will need to create new behaviors which when repeated over and over become your normal that will help you reach your weight loss goal.

Part of what lead to the demise of the Rorschach test (also known as the Ink Blot Test–see one of the images above) was the suspicion that the results of this projective personality test told us more about the examiner than the subjects.

Perhaps it’s time to recognize, as Peter Kramer proposes, that we let go of the myth of normality. It may be a useful construct for intellectual discussion and research, but in our daily lives recognizing and accepting imperfection in ourselves and others is one key to being happy. The next key, of course, is giving ourselves permission to change what we consider normal as we reach for new goals and rethink what relationships and experiences we want as part of our lives.

Filed Under: achieve goals, Changing your life, Happiness Tagged With: accepting our imperfections, achieving goals, making changes, normality, recognizing flaws

Want That Happiness for Here or to Go?

By Flora Leave a Comment

queue Waiting my turn at a quaint coffee shop in San Diego recently, I listened as customers ordered breakfast:

“Breakfast quiche,” said one customer.

“I’ll have the ham and cheese croissant,” said the next customer.

Following each food order the clerk asked “Do you want that for here or to go?”

Over and over he asked the same question, “Do you want that for here or to go?”

That’s when it hit me. We answer that question everyday when we make decisions about our lives.

Each time we make choices we decide if we want to pursue this or that goal or do we want to delay for some future time.

The problem with pushing our goals into the future is that we can push them so far that we run out of time, at least in this lifetime.
Of course if you believe in reincarnation you have another shot, but let’s deal with one lifetime at a time, shall we.

Here are three ways to get your happiness here and now.

1. Give yourself permission.

We are often our worst enemies since we stage a war with ourselves in our heads. If you find yourself hesitating to start toward a goal, you are afraid of success or failure. You are definitely concerned about whether you deserve the wonderful things you imagine. You are worried about what other people think or waiting for approval from others before you start.

We all want the best for those we love. So learn to love yourself. Then give this amazing person called “you” permission to do, be, and embrace whatever makes you happy.

2. Find out what you really want.

This may sound simple on the surface, but discovering what we want requires research and exploration. We often judge what we want by the fun others seem to having with it.

You may think, for example, that you would enjoy living in a tranquil environment in the woods, off the main road miles away from the nearest shopping center and surrounded by nature. Before you pull up your city roots, give this tranquil life a test drive in the form of a vacation, a visit or a short stay. While this living style may be very appealing from the comfort of a movie theater seat, it may not be what you really would enjoy in its entirety.

3. Gather the resources to help you reach your goals.

Once you decide what you really want, it’s time to line up the people, information and tasks that will help you achieve your goal. When I decided to write my book, Color Your Life Happy, here are a few steps that helped me reach my goal:

Read or heavily skimmed the major books, articles and blogs in the happiness field
Bought a laptop
Attended a one-day Positive Psychology conference to learn from researchers what findings they had discovered
Hired a life coach
Hired a publishing coach
Changed my main workspace to my living picture window where I could get light.
Visited the library and bookstores sometimes to browse, sometimes to write in a different environment
Set up a writing schedule
Attended a publishing institute where I met other authors actively involved in the writing process
Joined Toastmasters to work on speaking skills
Joined an Internet marketing group to learn more about promoting my book
Made notes on my experiences and observations on vacations and trips away from home

No one of these tasks got my book done. Each one played a part in the ideas, motivation, writing, publishing and marketing.

It’s certainly up to you whether you want your happiness now or for another lifetime. Try the steps I shared if you want happiness for here.

Filed Under: achieve goals, Happiness Tagged With: accomplishing major goals, giving permission, Making choices

Enjoy Your Climb or What’s a Journey For

By Flora 2 Comments

no roses-resized

“It makes no difference how many peaks you reach if there was no pleasure in the climb.”
—Oprah

We’ve heard this expressed many ways. Some say stop and smell and roses or the best part of the journey is what you see along the way. But why are these things true?

1. By observing the things along the way we appreciate the destination so much more. Have you ever heard someone recount the fun they had camping, for example? The best part is their account of getting lost, finding their way, choosing the best resting spot or encountering critters who decided to enjoy the campsite as well. If you don’t enjoy the things that lead up to your destination, you’re likely to be singing “Is that all there is?” because you missed the juicy part.

2. By feeling the exhiliration of a journey, our joy at the end is intensified. When I was returning from visiting my oldest daughter I had planned to read a book on my flight. It was a great book, but because I chose a window seat I decided to enjoy the view instead. When we left San Jose the sky was overcast, but as soon as the plane reached its altitude we were floating on meringue clouds. I was in awe thinking about what an amazing creation our planet is with its many features depending on the perspective from which you view it. Wow!

Later as I waited for my luggage at the turnstile, I felt so peaceful and thankful to have absorbed nature’s beauty.

3. By observing and making note of our activities along the way, we build skills for future events and journeys. Take going to school, for example. The classes that challenge you to stretch your mind and learn new techniques are the ones that best prepare you for not only future classes, but other life tasks and challenges as well.

Each time I must stretch my abilities to learn how to master even a small task with my websites and blogs, for example, I’m better prepared for the next challenge. While I sometimes get frustrated and even break into tears over garbled code that stands between me and a new blog theme, I have learnedthat I won’t die from it. Once when moving to a new host, I lost a blog with years of rich content. (That felt like a death for a few minutes.) I lived to meet another challenge and accepted it as a part of the process.

What about you? Have you tried one of these ways to cnjoy your climb and your trip to your goal? Tell us about how you overcame a fear or met a challenge.

Filed Under: achieve goals, beauty around us, Life choices Tagged With: evergreen