Color Your Life Happy

There are times when we must say no. No to others, sometimes no to ourselves and definitely no to our children.

In an article on Remodeling This Life ,the author, Emily, insists that we’re doing our kids a favor by saying no.

She recounts the difficulty her mother-in-law has saying “no” to everyone, but especially to her adult children. The result is fully capable and otherwise intelligent people who equate happiness with having enough stuff under the Christmas tree.

The sad part of this scenario is that people who have difficulty saying no to others, deplete themselves of what rightfully belongs to them: possessions and self-worth.

Why do we have trouble saying “NO?”

Some of us fear rejection; others fear how others will view us. Then a few of us want others to believe we have a limitless well of wealth or largesse.

Whatever the case, children who don’t get a healthy mix of “yes” and  ”no” grow up with warped ideas of how the world works and mistaken notions of entitlement.

Here’s how I responded to this topic on Emily’s blog:

Learning to say no to our children and others is not only important to help them to respect boundaries, but to help us learn to be kind to ourselves.

Anyone who depends on someone else’s approval for their own happiness is doomed to a roller coaster existence.

I gave my children and grandchildren more time than money, and as a result they appreciate their earnings and are thoughtful about their spending (even more so than I was at their ages.) I found that money spent on experiences such as trips and music lessons were dollars well-spent.

Things they insisted on having that weren’t in my budget or my consciousness such as Jordache jeans (the popular brand when my oldest was a teen) they had to buy with their own money. To this day, my now-38-year-old daughter confides the tremendous letdown she felt when she spent all of her monetary graduation gifts on that pair of have-to-have jeans.

I admit that I was not as disciplined with spending on my grandchildren as I was with my own children, but they still managed to learn the value of money and be appreciative, especially as they get older.

What’s your take on this? Do you think saying “no” is good for your kids and others?

Have you ever agreed to do something, and two seconds later knew you had made a big mistake?

• Like the time you loaned money to your cousin who never calls except to borrow money
• Or the time your nomadic friend asked if he could spend the weekend until he got his own place and it turned into 3 months
• Or the 15th time you go out of your way to take your child’s forgotten lunch to  school and now you’re late to work again

You can tell when you’re about to be had, or placed in a stressful situation. And yet you do it.

If you want to be happy you’ve got to learn to say “No” to other people because then you’re saying “Yes” to yourself.

I’ve discovered that it feels so much better to just say “No” in the first place when you clearly don’t want to do something rather than have regrets later.

Here are some things that have worked for me.

• Keep it brief.  The more you talk, the more it weakens your resolve. A firm “No” is enough.
• Don’t apologize. You’re not usually really sorry. Stick to the point.
• Don’t engage in an explanation or excuse. It’s nobody’s business.  
• Learn some pleasant, but true ways to say “No”  if you’re uncomfortable with this. Smile while you saying these. 

 .            –I have other plans. (Maybe you have to paint your toenails.)
              –It’s not a convenient time for me. (You planned to spend the evening enjoying quiet time.)
              –It’s not a good time for me. (Try back when pigs fly.)
          
           Telephone tips

• Look at caller ID before picking up your phone. If it says Unknown Caller, let them remain unknown.
• If you recognize the name, but don’t want to talk, don’t pick up the phone. They’ll leave a message, or not.
• When you pick up the phone and it’s a telemarketer hang up, especially they say 
                –”May I speak to Mr. or Mrs. …”

I bet you feel better just imagining yourself saying “No” in these situations. Now make it real. You’ll be so glad you did.