Color Your Life Happy

It is believed that every 16 minutes someone in the United States takes his life.

Last weekend in the gated community of an upscale neighborhood in San Fernando Valley of a Los Angeles suburb an unemployed financial advisor not only took his life, but murdered his wife, three sons and mother-in-law as well.

Although he left behind two notes–one to the police and one to friends–citing financial problems, experts say that suicide is not carried on based on the surface symptom. Instead, they say that almost all suicide victims are suffering from depression. Of course all depressed people don’t commit suicide.

Depression, according, to the medical industry is not just having the blues, being in a bad mood or feeling down. We can’t just snap out of depression.

According to Melanie Vanderveer, in www.tchnews.com,   depression is an imbalance in the brain that makes it difficult to think straight and leaves the victim feeling unable to control the situations around them.

As in the case of this California family, suicide was not an impulsive act.  The father had bought the handgun and planned the murder suicide for weeks.

The knee-jerk reaction of the average person is to call a suicide victim “crazy” and leave it at that. But that wouldn’t be accurate nor helpful. Many of them are quite intelligent and methodical.

People who knew this California family had wonderful things to say about them, although one former neighbor did admit that the father would go into a rage every now and then.

Others say that suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. As the victim takes the steps to end his own life, he chooses to upset the lives of his friends and families by leaving them to discover a body perhaps in full rigor mortis, mop up the bloody scene and  be haunted by “why’s” maybe forever.

The person who couldn’t ask for help, perhaps didn’t know how or feared being exposed as helpless or seen as a failure, once dead at this own hands needs the last help we want to have to ever have to give to another: disposing of his remains and making decisions about what he left behind.

Some said that when people commit suicide they are not trying to kill themselves so much as end the pain, emptiness, loneliness and desperation they feel. They just want it to go away. . .

and so it does for them, but starts for us.

The causes that lead to suicide are deep, long-building, intricate and intertwined. Financial problems alone don’t lead to suicide. It’s the feeling of hopelessness in solving these and other problems that moves us closer to this final solution.

It is said that every one of us considers suicide at some point, even if just for a split second. If true, what keeps the rest of us from carrying this thought out?

The suicide victim goes to an extreme measure to solve what could have been a temporary problem. The author of www.areason.org described it as burning down the house to kill a cockroach.

Suicide victims deprive the world of their creativity, their expertise and their ability feel deeply. When they commit murder at the time, while they feel hopeless, helpless and out of control for themselves, they take the power of choice away from their victims.

It would probably be good for all of us to become aware of some of the signs of impending suicide. But will we be able to recognize them in those we love or those we pass on the street?

People who have survived a loved ones suicide  offer help.

There are those who give potential suicide victims a reason to live if they’ll listen.

I realize, of course, that it’s easy for me to sit here sipping my coffee at Borders pouring out my thoughts. I’m not troubled or hopeless right now.

But I must share my musings because I am astounded by the suicide statistic: every 16 minutes someone in the United States takes his life.

That means that in less time than it will take me to drive home, another person in the USA will commit suicide.

And I bet he’ll be described as a nice guy.

The irony is that too many of us envy people who have big homes, live in gated communities, drive luxury cars and from the outside seem to live in grand style. Too many of us spend countless hours, weeks, years neglecting our children and inner lives trying to amass the things we think will make us happy.

Alas, when will we learn to be grateful for what we have, and not covet our neighbor’s possessions.

When will we learn that beneath all the outer trappings of a nice guy may rumble inner turmoil so severe that the next disappointment, financial loss or unkind word could trigger a domino effect leading to self-destruction.

It reminds me of a poem I read in college, and then taught to my students as a teacher.

Richard Cory

by

Edwin Arlington Robinson
1897

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
“Good-morning,” and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich, richer than a king-
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

========= 

My hope for you and me is that if we should ever feel so hopeless that suicide seems like the only option that we will recognize that we need help and will seek it.

I’ve been here at my computer for over two hours. According to statistics, how many people have recently committed suicide?

I’m positive that they were all nice guys.

There are so many small things we do throughout the day in our interactions with others that we hardly remember them.

But some of the things we do or say are very meaningful to the recipient.

Take Maria, for example.

She was a pretty 20-something redhead when in my class, but was now thirtyish when we passed in the entry to the Student Services Building.

She was back on campus to order transcripts. She stopped me to thank me for encouraging her when she was newly divorced and raising two children alone while trying to finish her degree.

I didn’t remember what I had said to her, but she had.

“You’re having a tough time right now, but don’t give up. Stick to your goals and you will succeed.”

My words were not magical, and I can’t take credit for her success. What’s important is that when she needed encouragement, my words helped her find it within herself.

Opportunities to be an encouragement, to lend a helping hand, or be kind are all around us. We often don’t know until later, if ever, the impact our words or actions made on another,

In a recent post on her popular blog, Dooce, Heather shared a must-read story by Kent Nerburn, titled The Cab Ride I’ll Never Forget.  Kent begins

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. One time I arrived in the middle of the night for a pick up at a building that was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.

Finish reading Ken’s story here and think about how a smile, opening a door, or going the long way could make a huge difference in someone’s life. There is an added bonus.  When you help others you also make a positive difference in your own life.

After you read Ken’s story, come back and share your feelings and thoughts.

To-do lists have long been encouraged in order to help us organize our lives, be accountable and more productive.

Some people swear by them, some swear at them.

Modern to-do lists have taken many forms. There are lists of things to do before you die, places to go before you die. There are guides to making to-do lists and computer tools such as Tadalist to allow you to make your list online.

There’s even a blog dedicated to reading other people’s to-do lists.

If you are a confirmed to-do-lister,  go over to the blog Passionate America to see how your to-do list could be improved.

I’m one of those who swears by to-do lists. I tend to put more on a list that any human can accomplish in a day, however.  

One of my frequent errors is putting long-term or involved task on a daily to-do list. 

For example, today’s list is

1. Email Ryan, K, and Yvonne
2. Send class count to JDW
3. Check FC email for any email from online 
4. Write more powerful stories
5. Check on my new domains at GoDaddy to see if they’re live
6. Cancel hosting account with former host
7. Order gifts for grandkids from online catalogs
8. Write blog posts for GBBW and CYLH
9. Finish prepping tax papers
10.  Plan Toastmaster talk for next week
11. Wash and hang fine washables
12. Start box for giveaway clothes and other items
13. Change linen in MB
14. Read and respond ot important email 

A quick scan down my list and you’ll notice that there’s one item that is not likely to be finished in one day. 

Task#4 is an admirable task, but one that I’ll be polishing and refining for longer than just a day. Maybe it should be on a reminder list. Or maybe it should be a long-term goal with small steps that will get it accomplished. For sure it seems out of place on a daily to-do list.

For tasks that stay on my to-do for an extended period of time, never getting accomplished, I take them off. They’ll resurface in my mind and life if they need to get done.

I’m always torn about how much detail to put on my list. Should I list stopping to make lunch, putting clothes in the washing machine? Should I prioritize my list, give myself deadlines? 

There are other changes and improvements I could make to my list. What suggestions can you offer me?

Regardless of how the list is organized, the best part is crossing things off as you finish them. It’s amazing how good I feel as I cross or check off each item.

How about you? Do you use to-do lists? Do they keep you on track or distract you? Do you overestimate how much you can do in a day? Do you schedule fun and happiness in your list? 

Let me hear from you.

In a recent post on her blog, Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin suggested that learning to conquer a gadget, device or appliance can make us feel good. Her post made me chuckle since tackling new technology seems an ongoing experience for me.

Here’s a revised version of how I commented on Gretchen’s blog.

I remember one day decades ago when I decided I was going to learn to program my VCR. I sat down with the manual and vowed not to get up until I had mastered it. Yippee! I did.

The bad news about all this mastery, however, is that as soon as you experience that good-feeing-from-accomplishing-tech something new comes out, as well as upgrades to all your current possessions.

Since the day I decided to take over maintaining my websites and decided to set up my own blogs, I have been on a daily trek of climbing steep learning curves.

I agree with my daughter that we should buy appliances who features are easy in the first place. When I remodeled my kitchen that was the primary feature I required; sturdy and easy to clean were the next.

I thought I wanted chrome appliances, for example, until while in the showroom I saw that my handprint on the refrigerator door stayed there for all to see. So, whether or not my handprint was visible on the refrigerator door became the determining factor.

I bought a black refrigerator with a leather-like finish. No handprints.

It’s far easier to make wise decisions about buying appliances than it is to adapt to changes with online technology.

When I went over to check on several domains today, for example, I discovered that my host company has redesigned the look of their site–again! (I was just there last week!) I had to look carefully for links to the areas I needed. Eventually I had to call tech support. Thankfully their tech support is 24/7.

Although online technology throws challenges my way frequently, it also gives me many feel-good experiences when I finally figure out the latest new thing. It also gives me confidence that I’ll be able to master the next thing when it comes out next week.

This thing you master doesn’t have to be a big thing, like figuring out a computer program or how to use all the features on your cellphone.

I once figured out that an inexpensive clock that had I love stopped working just because it needed its battery contacts cleaned and a new battery.  It still makes me feel good because at first I thought the clock was hopeless and considered throwing it away. Every time I look at it now I smile with pride.

Have you ever felt good because you mastered some appliance, gadget, or other device?

Share.

In a recent post on his blog, Awake @ the Wheel, Jonathan Fields shared an experience where he believed he was conned out of $20 by a well-dressed couple with a convincing story.

He went on to discuss the relative goodness and badness of people and to encourage his readers to give their take.

Here’s modified version of what I commented at Jonathan’s blog:

I strongly believe that we have to hold on to our belief in the goodness of mankind, even though it means we’ll get taken sometimes.

Mother Teresa said something like when we are kind, some people will take advantage of us; be kind anyway.

Once I was in a fast food drive-through with my grandkids in tow. When I rolled up to pay for my food and get my purchase, the clerk handed me my bags of food and said, “Your food has already been paid for by the car that was in front of you.” It was the first time I can remember being the recipient of a random act of kindness.

I don’t know what motivated this person to pay for our meal, and they took off before I could even see what they looked like. 

Since then, I’ve on occasion extended the same kindness to total strangers.

I have been on both sides of kindness and it feels good both ways.

While thinking about simple ways that we can be kind I discovered the following video about the simple act of saying “thank you.”

Watch it and tell me your take on kindness. 

Are you thinking about making a change in your life? If so, you’ve already taken the first step.

Without taking another conscious action, you have already taken a turn from something that wasn’t pleasing you. 

Discontent is your savior.

The moment that you realize you’re not satisfied with a situation, person, job, yourself or location, your mind gets busy processing ways to get out or over or around it. If you don’t heed any of the solutions that bubble to the surface, your discontent will grow bigger and bigger.                                         

( Photo by Perfecto Insecto)

One day you will eventually become, as some people say, “Sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

At that moment you are ready to act.

You will no longer need advice or permission. You will no longer wonder if the thing you need to do is the right thing to do. You will know.

You will know at the deepest level what to do. And you will know that it is exactly the right thing to do and that you will be okay.

You may act quickly, as if jumping to safety out of the path of an oncoming speeding  truck.

Or you may act carefully, as if neatly packing your luggage in slow motion for a very long trip.

If your change actions are good, doing no harm to others and in harmony with the universe, your sucess is assured.

What change have you been contemplating?

I’m fond of lists that offer tips–some familiar and sometimes new–that have been gathered to focus on improving my life in some way. The Internet is loaded with lists, but here are ones I enjoyed most for creating a happier life. I hope you will enjoy them too.

[Photo on right by strizh]

1. 30 Ways to Make Your Life More Simple 

My favorite on this list are

• Write to a friend with (gasp!) pen and paper.
• Resign from a commitment you’re not passionate about.

 2. 50 Things Everyone Should Know How to Do 

The emphasis is on self-reliance. Not only do you get the tips, but each tip is followed by 3 links to articles from other blogs that elaborate on the tip.

You may not agree with everything on this list, but it certainly makes me happier that I know how to

• parallel park
• take useful notes
• be a respectful house guest
• type
• hold a baby
• drive a manual transmission
• smile for the camera

3. 77  Keys to Living Well Before You Die

Since death is inevitable it only makes sense to think about what things you want to do before that fateful day. Movies such as “The Bucket List” have focused on this. You’ll want to use these as suggestions, then create your own list.

Here are some of the keys from his list that I’m currently living

• Be aware of your surroundings.  Take notice of the simple joys life has to offer.
• Surround yourself with positive people who share goals similar to your own.
• Tend a small garden and eat your own produce.

4. 20 Ways to Train Your Brain for Peak Performance 

When your brain is at its peak you’re definitely happier. Here are my few favorites from this list.

• Break your routines
• Think positive thoughts
• Be a continual learner  

5.   10 Tips for Adding a Splash of Colour

If you live in an area prone to very little sun and lots of wind, rain and gloomy days, you’ll understand why this author created this list for adding color to your life. She gives you links to sites with more about how to carry these out.

My favorite two are

• Eat a rainbow (visit her blog to see what she means here)
• Watch the Wizard of Oz again

6. If I Had My Life to Live Over

When famous humor columnist, Erma Bombeck, learned she had cancer she wrote a list of things she would do if she had her life to do over.  As it turns out she died from a failed kidney transplant rather than cancer, but her list is meaningful nonetheless.

These are few of my favorites from her list

• I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
• I would have talked less and listened more.
• I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

7. The Eight Irrestible Principles of Fun

 I saved this entertaining but profound video for last. Enjoy.