Color Your Life Happy

Growing up in my mother’s beauty shop, I observed many women at various stages of their lives. Beauticians, like barbers and bartenders, hear many tales of woe and drama.

Much of what I believe about happiness being a result of the right choices comes from lessons I learned in childhood.

Today I share some of those thoughts in a guest post on Life Optimizer, “Your Happiness is Up to You.” Enjoy the article and be sure to leave your comments.

Many Americans believe that we live in the greatest country in the world, and yet in a world report on happiness we rank 16th.

Denmark is at the top, Zimbabwe at the bottom.

Abraham Lincoln once said, “Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” If true, does that mean that many of us just haven’t decided to be happy.

Based on how the countries ranked in happiness, the presence or restriction of political freedom seems to have something to do with respondents’ perceptions of happiness.

Although happiness is generally increasing worldwide, baby boomers are pegged as a discontented lot responsible for the USA’s low happiness ranking.

With baby boomers at the peak of their earning power and living lifestyles their parents never imagined, why are they not happier?

Part of the problem with baby boomers is that we have higher expectations, are more self-indulgent, expect to live longer and have enjoyed greater social, political, academic and sexual freedom than previous generations. During the lives of baby boomers we have seen ethnic groups and women are enjoying increasing freedom and access.

We earn more than our parents did, but many of us resent the frugrality of our Depression-era parents and strike back by spending more than we save. No wonder many of us are pessimistic about the future.

There is another important factor at work here. These polls are based on self-reports. Whenever someone is asked to rate themselves, the timing of the poll will greatly influence their response. If you just got a layoff notice at your job your assessment of your happiness may be different than if you just won a big account.

It is interesting to note that we are all surrounded with advice on how to increase our happiness. We’ve been told repeatedly that money doesn’t bring happiness, but satisfying personal relationships and doing meaningful work do.

So, what’s the problem?

It’s just too much work for some people to be happy.

First you have to believe that you deserve happiness. Then you must work at rewriting the negative messages that lead to that erroneous belief in the first place.

Next, you must decide what really makes you happy and have the courage to pursue it.

I don’t mean to imply that discovering your happiness is a simple process, but complacency and remaining stuck are so much easier. Besides, as you uncover your happiness and express it, you are going to alienate your friends who enjoy whining, complaining and being miserable.

Thus, being happy is no easy task for some.

No matter how much some folks claim that they want to be happy, they just aren’t willing to put in the energy and time it takes to uncover and sustain happiness.

What do you think? Am I off target here. . . Speak up

Canadian-born journalist Carl Honore best known for his advocacy of the Slow Movement says that our hurry through life diminishes the quality of our lives.

Listen to his talk below and decide if you agree.

Graphic designer, Stefano Sagmeister, finds happiness in design.

Listen to his story. Then tell us what makes you happy.

There are times when we must say no. No to others, sometimes no to ourselves and definitely no to our children.

In an article on Remodeling This Life ,the author, Emily, insists that we’re doing our kids a favor by saying no.

She recounts the difficulty her mother-in-law has saying “no” to everyone, but especially to her adult children. The result is fully capable and otherwise intelligent people who equate happiness with having enough stuff under the Christmas tree.

The sad part of this scenario is that people who have difficulty saying no to others, deplete themselves of what rightfully belongs to them: possessions and self-worth.

Why do we have trouble saying “NO?”

Some of us fear rejection; others fear how others will view us. Then a few of us want others to believe we have a limitless well of wealth or largesse.

Whatever the case, children who don’t get a healthy mix of “yes” and  ”no” grow up with warped ideas of how the world works and mistaken notions of entitlement.

Here’s how I responded to this topic on Emily’s blog:

Learning to say no to our children and others is not only important to help them to respect boundaries, but to help us learn to be kind to ourselves.

Anyone who depends on someone else’s approval for their own happiness is doomed to a roller coaster existence.

I gave my children and grandchildren more time than money, and as a result they appreciate their earnings and are thoughtful about their spending (even more so than I was at their ages.) I found that money spent on experiences such as trips and music lessons were dollars well-spent.

Things they insisted on having that weren’t in my budget or my consciousness such as Jordache jeans (the popular brand when my oldest was a teen) they had to buy with their own money. To this day, my now-38-year-old daughter confides the tremendous letdown she felt when she spent all of her monetary graduation gifts on that pair of have-to-have jeans.

I admit that I was not as disciplined with spending on my grandchildren as I was with my own children, but they still managed to learn the value of money and be appreciative, especially as they get older.

What’s your take on this? Do you think saying “no” is good for your kids and others?

I was listening to a friend lament a string of problems when I realized that not one of the things she saw as problems were really critical.

When I asked her to tell me about the good things that were going on in her life she was taken aback.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“Well, let me see, ” I began. “You have a loving husband, you’re doing the work you love, you live in beautiful home, you can afford to travel wherever you want on vacation and you have raised two successful children.”

Not only do we get caught up in recounting our “problems”, but I think we actually enjoy sharing the negative more than rejoicing in the positive.

Where does this come from and how do we learn to embrace happiness?

Some of us think that dwelling on happy thoughts will jinx us.

My sister-in-law thought I was doing just that when each year in my Christmas letter I highlight the positive things that happened during the year.

Then there are some who believe that focusing on happiness is a form of denial.

Many aren’t enjoying our happiness because we have an aversion to it. Many of us were brought up to mistrust happiness and to avoid embracing it for fear it will disappear. Sadly, this makes us more comfortable with the miserable things around us than with all the wonderful things in our lives.

Becoming conscious of our attitude toward happiness and keeping our well-being separate from events around us is the key to embracing happiness.

Do you embrace happiness or fear it?

When I saw this statement on a list of lessons learned by a rookie entrepreneur, it reminded me of a day during my doctoral studies.

 We were on a very tight budget while I took classes and studied to finish my doctorate. We were making a big financial sacrifice when I quit my job to become a full-time graduate student. Fortunately we were able to pay our mortgage and keep our 3 children healthy and fed, but many other things had to wait in line for their turn.

I was driving an old car that I wasn’t sure would start each time I got in it.

One morning that I was scheduled to give surveys to teachers at an inner city junior high school it started pouring down raining. I pulled on my leather boots, darted between raindrops and jumped in the car. It started! Great!

When I arrived at the school I stuffed the stack of surveys under my raincoat to keep them dry, grabbed my purse and equipment I needed for the testing and rushed toward the building.  Just before I reached the door I stepped into a puddle of water. When I pulled my dripping foot from the puddle I discovered the heel of my right boot was broken off.

In order not to be late for my appointment, I limped down the hall and made it to our meeting on time.  With damp clothes, broken shoe and dampened spirit, I proceeded as professionally as possible.

Boy! That morning sucked big time.

I share this story because sometimes in the process of promoting positive thinking, encouraging inner joy and sharing tips for happiness people get the wrong impression.  Folks wrongly believe there is some way to master the art of creating perfect days. Not!

• Some days are going to suck.
• One day your head will be the perfect landing for bird droppings.
• You will lose your keys.
• Your child will lie to you.
• Someone will lie about you.

And on and on.

Being happy and claiming your inner joy is not about preventing these bad things from happening. We have absolutely no control over the weather or what others do, just on how we react.

How do we get past these sucky days then?

• Be grateful for what did go right. (My old car got me to and from my research appointment.)
• Choose how you react. (I eventually laughed at my rainy day adventure)
• Cry if you want. (Tears are Nature’s cleansing treatment.)
• Make note of what you learned. (Don’t wear leather boots in the drenching rain.)

A number of decades have passed since this event. Wouldn’t it be a shame if I had let singular event steal my joy and color my life sad?

What bad days have you survived by taking control of your reactions? Share your story.