Color Your Life Happy

Canadian-born journalist Carl Honore best known for his advocacy of the Slow Movement says that our hurry through life diminishes the quality of our lives.

Listen to his talk below and decide if you agree.

Graphic designer, Stefano Sagmeister, finds happiness in design.

Listen to his story. Then tell us what makes you happy.

There are times when we must say no. No to others, sometimes no to ourselves and definitely no to our children.

In an article on Remodeling This Life ,the author, Emily, insists that we’re doing our kids a favor by saying no.

She recounts the difficulty her mother-in-law has saying “no” to everyone, but especially to her adult children. The result is fully capable and otherwise intelligent people who equate happiness with having enough stuff under the Christmas tree.

The sad part of this scenario is that people who have difficulty saying no to others, deplete themselves of what rightfully belongs to them: possessions and self-worth.

Why do we have trouble saying “NO?”

Some of us fear rejection; others fear how others will view us. Then a few of us want others to believe we have a limitless well of wealth or largesse.

Whatever the case, children who don’t get a healthy mix of “yes” and  ”no” grow up with warped ideas of how the world works and mistaken notions of entitlement.

Here’s how I responded to this topic on Emily’s blog:

Learning to say no to our children and others is not only important to help them to respect boundaries, but to help us learn to be kind to ourselves.

Anyone who depends on someone else’s approval for their own happiness is doomed to a roller coaster existence.

I gave my children and grandchildren more time than money, and as a result they appreciate their earnings and are thoughtful about their spending (even more so than I was at their ages.) I found that money spent on experiences such as trips and music lessons were dollars well-spent.

Things they insisted on having that weren’t in my budget or my consciousness such as Jordache jeans (the popular brand when my oldest was a teen) they had to buy with their own money. To this day, my now-38-year-old daughter confides the tremendous letdown she felt when she spent all of her monetary graduation gifts on that pair of have-to-have jeans.

I admit that I was not as disciplined with spending on my grandchildren as I was with my own children, but they still managed to learn the value of money and be appreciative, especially as they get older.

What’s your take on this? Do you think saying “no” is good for your kids and others?

I was listening to a friend lament a string of problems when I realized that not one of the things she saw as problems were really critical.

When I asked her to tell me about the good things that were going on in her life she was taken aback.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“Well, let me see, ” I began. “You have a loving husband, you’re doing the work you love, you live in beautiful home, you can afford to travel wherever you want on vacation and you have raised two successful children.”

Not only do we get caught up in recounting our “problems”, but I think we actually enjoy sharing the negative more than rejoicing in the positive.

Where does this come from and how do we learn to embrace happiness?

Some of us think that dwelling on happy thoughts will jinx us.

My sister-in-law thought I was doing just that when each year in my Christmas letter I highlight the positive things that happened during the year.

Then there are some who believe that focusing on happiness is a form of denial.

Many aren’t enjoying our happiness because we have an aversion to it. Many of us were brought up to mistrust happiness and to avoid embracing it for fear it will disappear. Sadly, this makes us more comfortable with the miserable things around us than with all the wonderful things in our lives.

Becoming conscious of our attitude toward happiness and keeping our well-being separate from events around us is the key to embracing happiness.

Do you embrace happiness or fear it?

When I saw this statement on a list of lessons learned by a rookie entrepreneur, it reminded me of a day during my doctoral studies.

 We were on a very tight budget while I took classes and studied to finish my doctorate. We were making a big financial sacrifice when I quit my job to become a full-time graduate student. Fortunately we were able to pay our mortgage and keep our 3 children healthy and fed, but many other things had to wait in line for their turn.

I was driving an old car that I wasn’t sure would start each time I got in it.

One morning that I was scheduled to give surveys to teachers at an inner city junior high school it started pouring down raining. I pulled on my leather boots, darted between raindrops and jumped in the car. It started! Great!

When I arrived at the school I stuffed the stack of surveys under my raincoat to keep them dry, grabbed my purse and equipment I needed for the testing and rushed toward the building.  Just before I reached the door I stepped into a puddle of water. When I pulled my dripping foot from the puddle I discovered the heel of my right boot was broken off.

In order not to be late for my appointment, I limped down the hall and made it to our meeting on time.  With damp clothes, broken shoe and dampened spirit, I proceeded as professionally as possible.

Boy! That morning sucked big time.

I share this story because sometimes in the process of promoting positive thinking, encouraging inner joy and sharing tips for happiness people get the wrong impression.  Folks wrongly believe there is some way to master the art of creating perfect days. Not!

• Some days are going to suck.
• One day your head will be the perfect landing for bird droppings.
• You will lose your keys.
• Your child will lie to you.
• Someone will lie about you.

And on and on.

Being happy and claiming your inner joy is not about preventing these bad things from happening. We have absolutely no control over the weather or what others do, just on how we react.

How do we get past these sucky days then?

• Be grateful for what did go right. (My old car got me to and from my research appointment.)
• Choose how you react. (I eventually laughed at my rainy day adventure)
• Cry if you want. (Tears are Nature’s cleansing treatment.)
• Make note of what you learned. (Don’t wear leather boots in the drenching rain.)

A number of decades have passed since this event. Wouldn’t it be a shame if I had let singular event steal my joy and color my life sad?

What bad days have you survived by taking control of your reactions? Share your story.

“If you want happiness for an hour — take a nap. If you want happiness for a day — go fishing. If you want happiness for a month — get married. If you want happiness for a year — inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime — help someone else.”
- Chinese Proverb

According to this Chinese proverb lasting happiness comes from helping someone else.  If you are interested in lifelong happiness here are some ways to help others:

Clean out your closet and donate to a local charity.In my neighborhood we get requests from charities frequently. They leave a plastic bag for your donations listing the type of items they need.  I donate my casual clothes to the majority of the charities.

My suits and professional clothes can be used by charities helping women who are trying to get back on their feet such as DressforSuccess.org.

Donate time to help serve the homeless, senior citizens, or others in your community.

There are many opportunities in my town, especially around the holidays. But these charities also need help year round. To help with their year-round needs, respond to their appeals for financial donations throughout the year.

Some ways to help others:

• volunteer at hospitals hugging ill or abandoned newborns
• take volunteer vacations
• help build homes for low-income or survivors of catastrophes
• or find another volunteer opportunity at Volunteer Match

Donate money to charities that allow you to pick the recipients.     

• Modest Needs  helps stop the cycle of poverty before it starts for low-income people
• Donors Choose  allows you donate to the proposal of your choice submitted by a teacher
    

These are, of course, just a few of the unlimited chances to help others.  A search on your computer or in your community will yield many more from which you may choose.  Get started on your lifetime of happiness by helping someone else.

It’s easy to give advice to others. After all, it’s perfectly clear from my point of view to see what’s wrong and what could fix someone else’s problems.

It’s also very easy and even satisfying to share tips about being happy and joyful when things are going well for me. But what happens when things seem to fall apart for me? Can I take my own advice and follow my own tips?

That’s what I’ve had to face lately as I wrote for my blogs and worked on my new book, Color Your Life Happy Starting Today.

First, sad news seem to flood my life last month.

• Three people who have played important parts in my life died: a childhood friend, pastor of my former church, a good friend

• My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer

• A nephew was arrested

Second, my blogs started playing their own games

• You’ll notice that some of my recent posts on this blog appear twice. That’s because when I published the first one it didn’t show up, that is, not until I published the second one.

• Another blog has an ad that I want to move, but I can’t locate the ad in the code. Computer frustration has its own special aggravation.

Third, income I’ve earned from teaching an online course hasn’t arrived in a timely manner.

These things in combination could easily derail me, throwing me off course. So it is quite clear to me that to maintain my inner joy I must practice what I preach.

I scanned back through my life to recall how I’ve dealt with sadness, grief and frustration in the past. Some of it was not so pretty. But as I’ve become more enlightened over the years, I have discovered some things that work for me.

• Get off the merry-go-round.

I’ve always loved the merry-go-rounds at the carnival. I don’t know exactly why.  Maybe it’s the predictability, the low risk, the chance to let the imagination soar, or a warm memory of childhood. At one time I even researched the history of carousels and found out where the ones made by the old craftsmen are located.But when negative things seem to pile and threaten to overwhelm me, I feel like I must step outside of it all. I call this getting off the merry-go-round.

• Get still.

As much as I love entertaining, going to plays, dining out, all of this goes on hold when I need to get still.Sometimes I just sit on my patio observing nature. There’s always something new to discover when I do that. Today I discovered that my stargazers are blooming. (See the photo above)Since gardening is not my strength, seeing something I planted last year return is nothing short of miraculous.

Other times I meditate. Learn a simple meditation here.

Lately I’ve begun participating in the StillnessExperiment. It’s easy to do. Check it out.

• Always I pray.
  

• Listen
  

When I become still my inner spirit sorts and puts things in perspective. Things never look as bad from the inside as they do from the outside. Solutions emerge–sometimes loud and clear, other times soft and gentle. I love to listen to the wisdom of others through books and sermons of hope and inspiration.

I share my experiences with you so that you know that I face the same challenges as anyone else. Just as it takes high and low notes to make a beautiful piece of music, so it is with life. Life’s rhythm has ups and downs, major and minor keys.  The principles for maintaining inner joy take into account life’s rhythm and enable you to enjoy the flow without being swept away by it.  

I practice what I preach. I encourage you to do the same.