Color Your Life Happy

Graphic designer, Stefano Sagmeister, finds happiness in design.

Listen to his story. Then tell us what makes you happy.

I was listening to a friend lament a string of problems when I realized that not one of the things she saw as problems were really critical.

When I asked her to tell me about the good things that were going on in her life she was taken aback.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“Well, let me see, ” I began. “You have a loving husband, you’re doing the work you love, you live in beautiful home, you can afford to travel wherever you want on vacation and you have raised two successful children.”

Not only do we get caught up in recounting our “problems”, but I think we actually enjoy sharing the negative more than rejoicing in the positive.

Where does this come from and how do we learn to embrace happiness?

Some of us think that dwelling on happy thoughts will jinx us.

My sister-in-law thought I was doing just that when each year in my Christmas letter I highlight the positive things that happened during the year.

Then there are some who believe that focusing on happiness is a form of denial.

Many aren’t enjoying our happiness because we have an aversion to it. Many of us were brought up to mistrust happiness and to avoid embracing it for fear it will disappear. Sadly, this makes us more comfortable with the miserable things around us than with all the wonderful things in our lives.

Becoming conscious of our attitude toward happiness and keeping our well-being separate from events around us is the key to embracing happiness.

Do you embrace happiness or fear it?

When I saw this statement on a list of lessons learned by a rookie entrepreneur, it reminded me of a day during my doctoral studies.

 We were on a very tight budget while I took classes and studied to finish my doctorate. We were making a big financial sacrifice when I quit my job to become a full-time graduate student. Fortunately we were able to pay our mortgage and keep our 3 children healthy and fed, but many other things had to wait in line for their turn.

I was driving an old car that I wasn’t sure would start each time I got in it.

One morning that I was scheduled to give surveys to teachers at an inner city junior high school it started pouring down raining. I pulled on my leather boots, darted between raindrops and jumped in the car. It started! Great!

When I arrived at the school I stuffed the stack of surveys under my raincoat to keep them dry, grabbed my purse and equipment I needed for the testing and rushed toward the building.  Just before I reached the door I stepped into a puddle of water. When I pulled my dripping foot from the puddle I discovered the heel of my right boot was broken off.

In order not to be late for my appointment, I limped down the hall and made it to our meeting on time.  With damp clothes, broken shoe and dampened spirit, I proceeded as professionally as possible.

Boy! That morning sucked big time.

I share this story because sometimes in the process of promoting positive thinking, encouraging inner joy and sharing tips for happiness people get the wrong impression.  Folks wrongly believe there is some way to master the art of creating perfect days. Not!

• Some days are going to suck.
• One day your head will be the perfect landing for bird droppings.
• You will lose your keys.
• Your child will lie to you.
• Someone will lie about you.

And on and on.

Being happy and claiming your inner joy is not about preventing these bad things from happening. We have absolutely no control over the weather or what others do, just on how we react.

How do we get past these sucky days then?

• Be grateful for what did go right. (My old car got me to and from my research appointment.)
• Choose how you react. (I eventually laughed at my rainy day adventure)
• Cry if you want. (Tears are Nature’s cleansing treatment.)
• Make note of what you learned. (Don’t wear leather boots in the drenching rain.)

A number of decades have passed since this event. Wouldn’t it be a shame if I had let singular event steal my joy and color my life sad?

What bad days have you survived by taking control of your reactions? Share your story.

“If you want happiness for an hour — take a nap. If you want happiness for a day — go fishing. If you want happiness for a month — get married. If you want happiness for a year — inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime — help someone else.”
- Chinese Proverb

According to this Chinese proverb lasting happiness comes from helping someone else.  If you are interested in lifelong happiness here are some ways to help others:

Clean out your closet and donate to a local charity.In my neighborhood we get requests from charities frequently. They leave a plastic bag for your donations listing the type of items they need.  I donate my casual clothes to the majority of the charities.

My suits and professional clothes can be used by charities helping women who are trying to get back on their feet such as DressforSuccess.org.

Donate time to help serve the homeless, senior citizens, or others in your community.

There are many opportunities in my town, especially around the holidays. But these charities also need help year round. To help with their year-round needs, respond to their appeals for financial donations throughout the year.

Some ways to help others:

• volunteer at hospitals hugging ill or abandoned newborns
• take volunteer vacations
• help build homes for low-income or survivors of catastrophes
• or find another volunteer opportunity at Volunteer Match

Donate money to charities that allow you to pick the recipients.     

• Modest Needs  helps stop the cycle of poverty before it starts for low-income people
• Donors Choose  allows you donate to the proposal of your choice submitted by a teacher
    

These are, of course, just a few of the unlimited chances to help others.  A search on your computer or in your community will yield many more from which you may choose.  Get started on your lifetime of happiness by helping someone else.

It’s easy to give advice to others. After all, it’s perfectly clear from my point of view to see what’s wrong and what could fix someone else’s problems.

It’s also very easy and even satisfying to share tips about being happy and joyful when things are going well for me. But what happens when things seem to fall apart for me? Can I take my own advice and follow my own tips?

That’s what I’ve had to face lately as I wrote for my blogs and worked on my new book, Color Your Life Happy Starting Today.

First, sad news seem to flood my life last month.

• Three people who have played important parts in my life died: a childhood friend, pastor of my former church, a good friend

• My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer

• A nephew was arrested

Second, my blogs started playing their own games

• You’ll notice that some of my recent posts on this blog appear twice. That’s because when I published the first one it didn’t show up, that is, not until I published the second one.

• Another blog has an ad that I want to move, but I can’t locate the ad in the code. Computer frustration has its own special aggravation.

Third, income I’ve earned from teaching an online course hasn’t arrived in a timely manner.

These things in combination could easily derail me, throwing me off course. So it is quite clear to me that to maintain my inner joy I must practice what I preach.

I scanned back through my life to recall how I’ve dealt with sadness, grief and frustration in the past. Some of it was not so pretty. But as I’ve become more enlightened over the years, I have discovered some things that work for me.

• Get off the merry-go-round.

I’ve always loved the merry-go-rounds at the carnival. I don’t know exactly why.  Maybe it’s the predictability, the low risk, the chance to let the imagination soar, or a warm memory of childhood. At one time I even researched the history of carousels and found out where the ones made by the old craftsmen are located.But when negative things seem to pile and threaten to overwhelm me, I feel like I must step outside of it all. I call this getting off the merry-go-round.

• Get still.

As much as I love entertaining, going to plays, dining out, all of this goes on hold when I need to get still.Sometimes I just sit on my patio observing nature. There’s always something new to discover when I do that. Today I discovered that my stargazers are blooming. (See the photo above)Since gardening is not my strength, seeing something I planted last year return is nothing short of miraculous.

Other times I meditate. Learn a simple meditation here.

Lately I’ve begun participating in the StillnessExperiment. It’s easy to do. Check it out.

• Always I pray.
  

• Listen
  

When I become still my inner spirit sorts and puts things in perspective. Things never look as bad from the inside as they do from the outside. Solutions emerge–sometimes loud and clear, other times soft and gentle. I love to listen to the wisdom of others through books and sermons of hope and inspiration.

I share my experiences with you so that you know that I face the same challenges as anyone else. Just as it takes high and low notes to make a beautiful piece of music, so it is with life. Life’s rhythm has ups and downs, major and minor keys.  The principles for maintaining inner joy take into account life’s rhythm and enable you to enjoy the flow without being swept away by it.  

I practice what I preach. I encourage you to do the same.

Have you noticed that quite a few people seem to have the key or path or road to happiness these days?

Throughout history so much attention and research focused on maladies, flaws, and cures. We loved to talk and read about what was wrong with society and individuals.

Thankfully we are now in an era when seeking prevention and exploring happiness have become acceptable and in most cases, respectable endeavors. In college majors, scientific research and popular nonfiction, happiness is being explored and pursued.

Take a look at best seller lists and Oprah’s Show and you’ll find many views on how to achieve happiness.

• Marci Shimoff’s Happy for No Reason: 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out teaches how to have sustained happiness for life

• Eric Weiner’s The Geography of Bliss: One Grump’s Search for the Happiest Places in the World points to the places on earth where people are the happiest

• Eckhardt Tolle’s The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment  and A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose (Oprah’s Book Club, Selection 61) tells how to find the joy and peace within

• Dan Gilbert’s Stumbling on Happiness shows that we’re not that good at predicting what will make us happy

• Elizabeth Gilbert’s  Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia takes us along on the author’s year journey in search of herself

• Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven® Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? (Purpose Driven® Life, The) tells how to find the purpose for which you were born

 How can there be room for so many books on happiness? Which one is right for you? Where are the answers you need?

I encourage you to read these books and continue to reach for happiness and joy. In the meantime, I’ll distill what I’ve learned that makes for my happiness.

1. Smile
   Do you know that people can hear you smile on the telephone? Smiling is one of the quickest ways to lift your mood. The fact that your smile may be unsettling to others who wonder what you’re smiling about is a bonus.
   

2. Laugh
   It’s said before that laughter is the best medicine. Have you treated yourself to a deep, robust laugh lately? Dr. Madan Kataria says that laughter is nature’s stressbuster. He believes in the benefits of laughter so much that he started Laughter Yoga and Laughter Clubs. To learn about his clubs and conferences, visit his website www.laughteryoga.org
3. Dance
   You don’t need to go out or have a date. Turn on the music and dance around your home. You don’t even have to be any good at it. It’s good exercise too.
   
4. Cry
   When you feel sad about something, cry. Many happiness seekers think that being happy means never being sad.
   About 4 hours before leaving for a night at the theater I learned that my sister has been diagnosed with breast cancer and that another relative has been arrested and accused of a horrific crime. I let the tears flow and flow.
   
   Because I was admonished in my childhood so much with “Big girls don’t cry” it hasn’t always been easy for me to cry. But I’ve learned the cleansing affect of crying. I’m convinced that holding sadness in is harmful to our health.The best way to be happy is to cry when you need to. Once the painful experience is out, your inner joy returns. This is because our inner joy is not really tied to outside events. We just think it is.
   
5. Be still and breathe
   Every now and then the copier in our campus workroom would stop working. None of the indicators would go on telling us to call the service repair. It didn’t need toner. It didn’t seem to be overheating. After about an hour the copier would running well again.
   My theory is that even the copier would need a break from the nonstop copying. So, since we wouldn’t willingly give it a break, it took its own.Most advice on finding happiness suggests breathing deeply, being still ,meditating and praying.
   
6. Say yes to yourself
   Until you learn to value ourselves, how can you expect others to do so. See my article on this.
   
7. Hang out with fun and interesting people who are doing what you like to do
   Before you plant new seeds, gardeners advise us to get rid of the weeds, stones and debris and prepare the soil.Likewise, avoid the people who inhibit your growth and steal your joy. I know that some of these are your relatives, but my advice is the same. Your happiness is at stake.
   
8. Try something new
   Challenge yourself. For some this may be training for a marathon; for others, it could be as simple as taking a different route home, trying a new recipe or learning a new computer program.New research on preventing Alzheimer’s reports the tremendous benefits to the brain of challenging and new activities.
   
9. Be here and now We were recently attending the retirement ceremony of one of my nephews who served 20 years on the Navy While  enjoying delicious food on his beautiful patio when I asked my daughter, “How do we get to the freeway from here?”
   The reception had barely begun and I was already racing ahead to the future.Fortunately my daughter reminded me, “Mom, be here and now.”I snapped back and began to really engage in conversation and enjoy the beauty of my surroundings.
   
10. Be kind to others and yourself.
    

So there you have it. Success and wealth don’t lead to happiness. It’s the other way around. Happiness leads to your success and wealth, in whatever way you define these. So, it’s worthwhile to choose happiness. How about you?  What’s your recipe for happiness?

Photo by Alan Light (license) 

We all seek success whether openly or secretly.

But there is one thing most of us are not ready for when it comes.

The backlash.

When you finally get the job you trained for, the house you dreamed of, the relationship you attracted, you can bet that everyone will not be happy for you. Some will even hate you and speak evil of you.

Others will even go so far as to praise you one week and be a willing party to your crucifixion the next (Remember Jesus.)

What causes this paradox?

1. To succeed you must make choices. When you make choices, you invariably leave behind the choices not made. Mixed in among those choices are people who are still back there at the crossroads you left behind.

 In a television interview Whoopi Goldberg once shared how surprised and saddened she was by the friendships she couldn’t hold onto once she became famous. She remembered that when she was a struggling comedian beset with many life challenges, she and her buddies always said they would treat each other to a fantastic dinner and invite each other to their mansions when they became wealthy.

Once Whoopi became successful, some of her buddies from the old days would allow themselves to enjoy her success, so they declined invitations.

2. To succeed you must take action. People who are unwilling to take the actions that lead to success often feel betrayed by you.

Many years ago I took a writing class that was offered free as part of a community services program. The teacher offered us leads to magazines that were looking for writers.  The next morning I called the editor and got a writing assignment.

As soon as I finished talking to the editor, I got a call from my teacher congratulating me, not for getting the assignment, but for following up on the lead. She indicated that she always followed up on the leads she gave her students. I was the only one in that class who followed the lead.

3. To succeed you must change.Those who want to keep the status quo are afraid of how your changes will affect your relationship with them.

A number of my returning college students shared stories of marital upset brought on by their return to school.
One doctoral candidate, for example, indicated that her husband was supportive of her the first semester, but by the second semester began to withdraw his support. He seemed to feel so threatened by her determination to complete her degree that he threw up as many roadblocks as he could.  He refused to watch their two children in the evenings she was in class. Increasingly he withdrew more and more support. Eventually he threw out the ultimatum: “It’s either the doctorate or me.”

 She successfully completed her doctorate three years later.

The backlash that can follow success is not about you at all.  It’s about the inner turmoil of those who wrongly believe that your success in some way diminshes them. It doesn’t, of course.

Even though the weak and fearful will not be able to share your joy, continue to progress toward your goals, make good choices and enjoy your success.  Some people you will never meet will be inspired by you, and that makes all the difference in the world.

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This article was inspired by a post, Oprah’s Top 7 Tips for Creating the Life You Want, on The Positivity Blog.  Of the 14 readers who commented before I did, almost half lashed out at Oprah’s success.