Suicide, the Ultimate Choice of a Nice Guy Next Door
It is believed that every 16 minutes someone in the United States takes his life.
Last weekend in the gated community of an upscale neighborhood in San Fernando Valley of a Los Angeles suburb an unemployed financial advisor not only took his life, but murdered his wife, three sons and mother-in-law as well.
Although he left behind two notes–one to the police and one to friends–citing financial problems, experts say that suicide is not carried on based on the surface symptom. Instead, they say that almost all suicide victims are suffering from depression. Of course all depressed people don’t commit suicide.
Depression, according, to the medical industry is not just having the blues, being in a bad mood or feeling down. We can’t just snap out of depression.
According to Melanie Vanderveer, in www.tchnews.com, depression is an imbalance in the brain that makes it difficult to think straight and leaves the victim feeling unable to control the situations around them.
As in the case of this California family, suicide was not an impulsive act. The father had bought the handgun and planned the murder suicide for weeks.
The knee-jerk reaction of the average person is to call a suicide victim “crazy” and leave it at that. But that wouldn’t be accurate nor helpful. Many of them are quite intelligent and methodical.
People who knew this California family had wonderful things to say about them, although one former neighbor did admit that the father would go into a rage every now and then.
Others say that suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. As the victim takes the steps to end his own life, he chooses to upset the lives of his friends and families by leaving them to discover a body perhaps in full rigor mortis, mop up the bloody scene and be haunted by “why’s” maybe forever.
The person who couldn’t ask for help, perhaps didn’t know how or feared being exposed as helpless or seen as a failure, once dead at this own hands needs the last help we want to have to ever have to give to another: disposing of his remains and making decisions about what he left behind.
Some said that when people commit suicide they are not trying to kill themselves so much as end the pain, emptiness, loneliness and desperation they feel. They just want it to go away. . .
and so it does for them, but starts for us.
The causes that lead to suicide are deep, long-building, intricate and intertwined. Financial problems alone don’t lead to suicide. It’s the feeling of hopelessness in solving these and other problems that moves us closer to this final solution.
It is said that every one of us considers suicide at some point, even if just for a split second. If true, what keeps the rest of us from carrying this thought out?
The suicide victim goes to an extreme measure to solve what could have been a temporary problem. The author of www.areason.org described it as burning down the house to kill a cockroach.
Suicide victims deprive the world of their creativity, their expertise and their ability feel deeply. When they commit murder at the time, while they feel hopeless, helpless and out of control for themselves, they take the power of choice away from their victims.
It would probably be good for all of us to become aware of some of the signs of impending suicide. But will we be able to recognize them in those we love or those we pass on the street?
People who have survived a loved ones suicide offer help.
There are those who give potential suicide victims a reason to live if they’ll listen.
I realize, of course, that it’s easy for me to sit here sipping my coffee at Borders pouring out my thoughts. I’m not troubled or hopeless right now.
But I must share my musings because I am astounded by the suicide statistic: every 16 minutes someone in the United States takes his life.
That means that in less time than it will take me to drive home, another person in the USA will commit suicide.
And I bet he’ll be described as a nice guy.
The irony is that too many of us envy people who have big homes, live in gated communities, drive luxury cars and from the outside seem to live in grand style. Too many of us spend countless hours, weeks, years neglecting our children and inner lives trying to amass the things we think will make us happy.
Alas, when will we learn to be grateful for what we have, and not covet our neighbor’s possessions.
When will we learn that beneath all the outer trappings of a nice guy may rumble inner turmoil so severe that the next disappointment, financial loss or unkind word could trigger a domino effect leading to self-destruction.
It reminds me of a poem I read in college, and then taught to my students as a teacher.
Richard Cory
by
Edwin Arlington Robinson
1897
Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
“Good-morning,” and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich, richer than a king-
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.
=========
My hope for you and me is that if we should ever feel so hopeless that suicide seems like the only option that we will recognize that we need help and will seek it.
I’ve been here at my computer for over two hours. According to statistics, how many people have recently committed suicide?
I’m positive that they were all nice guys.
October 7th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
It’s sad that the financial advisor has to take an action that is drastic. It’s clear to see that he must have sunk into deep depression to not only kill himself but his family as well.
I’m going to join in here to encourage anyone to seek help before it is too late. It’s true that not all depressed people commit suicide. Early action can help save your life or more.
October 7th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Evelyn,
This was a sad story. You can tell I was upset by it.
Thanks for joining me in encouraging people to seek help.
October 8th, 2008 at 7:55 am
This topic is very dear to my heart, as I am a survivor of depression. Not my own, but of my wife — but I regard it as “my” because I felt so much of it myself.
The depression being a chemical imbalance in brain is a modern, scientific and common understanding. Medications seek to undo that imbalance. But what they don’t realize is that it’s also a symptom, not the cause — they need to look beyond and see why the brain chemicals got imbalanced. As with everything else, it’s an intricate combinations of a lot of things — stress, trauma, malnutrition, chemical dependency, varying degrees of emotional or physical sensitivity, and so on.
It is indeed hard to relate to someone who is depressed, because they don’t think like us. They are different. They are even different from the “normal” version of themselves. And because they are different, they don’t remember being any other way. It’s as if you turn the switch and become a completely different person, with a completely different set of life history and memories. Hopelessness ensues because a depressed can’t remember what it’s like to be not depressed.
There does come a point where the person can lose ability to make sound decisions. That’s when others have to intervene. But sometimes it is very well-concealed. Sometimes a “perfect” person is the most suspect, as none of us are perfect and by being so they’re straining themselves greatly by hiding their deep hurts.
I come from Japan, a country very prosperous yet their suicide rate is more than twice as high (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_suicide_rate) as that in US.
I think fundamental understanding of mental health is still very much lacking in these so-called “developed” countries.
I am obviously very passionate about this, and am doing what little I can do to help — to let people know that there is hope.
ari
October 8th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Ari,
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences and the insights you gained as a result.
I’m so happy your wife had you to help her through this horrible period when depression takes over and becomes the norm.
You have helped us better understand this mental deviation.
I agree with you that mental health is an issue that all countries need to better understand, diagnose and treat. The fact that depressed people are so skillful at concealing this thief-of-the-mind and that it occurs with greater numbers in prosperous countries, indicates the severity and urgency of the problem.
Just as your wife’s depression affected you as well, so does everyone’s depression affect many others and eventually society at large.
Thanks again for sharing your personal experience with us.