Color Your Life Happy

We seem to be deluged with self-help books, shows, seminars, blogs and websites these days. For all the talk about helping yourself through positive thinking and repeating positive affirmations, there are folks who report they have improved their lives without these things.

The problem many have with positive thinking is it requires repeating things to ourselves that we don’t believe yet.  But there are other problems with positive thinking:

• It’s not a quick-fix. No matter how many times you say “I’m wealthy,” you won’t suddenly become wealthy without taking actions that lead to wealth.

• It can blind you to reality. Newcomers to the concept of positive thinking believe it means ignore the dark, dirty and ugly parts of ourselves.  If we do that we live in a place called denial, that leads to deeper problems.

• It can not prevent bad things from happening. You may think positively all day, but if you spill coffee onto your computer keyboard, your computer is going to die or at least suffer a severe illness.

Steve Pavlina, in his personal development blog, said “Too much positive thinking can lead to self-delusion.”

Colleen Kruse in her article, “The Problem with Positive Thinking,” says the problem is that the emphasis is on thought and not action.

Barbara Sher, author of Live the Life You Love, Refuse to Choose, and other titles, confesses that repeating positive affirmations doesn’t work for her.

(A few of her books are pictured above)

I was fortunate enough to meet Barbara when she hosted a retreat in Italy last year. She believes that we get what we want by finding others who will help us reach our goals.

To hear how Barbara’s techniques have worked for others,  I encourage you to listen to her radio show on BlogTalkRadio. There you will hear many stories about people who surprised themselves by succeeding with their goals.

In addition to getting her other books, grab Barbara’s book, Wishcraft , for free online.

I’m not going to discourage you from repeating positive affirmations because they have worked for many people.  I do encourage you, however, to explore the many other approaches to achieving happiness and success.

Have you ever agreed to do something, and two seconds later knew you had made a big mistake?

• Like the time you loaned money to your cousin who never calls except to borrow money
• Or the time your nomadic friend asked if he could spend the weekend until he got his own place and it turned into 3 months
• Or the 15th time you go out of your way to take your child’s forgotten lunch to  school and now you’re late to work again

You can tell when you’re about to be had, or placed in a stressful situation. And yet you do it.

If you want to be happy you’ve got to learn to say “No” to other people because then you’re saying “Yes” to yourself.

I’ve discovered that it feels so much better to just say “No” in the first place when you clearly don’t want to do something rather than have regrets later.

Here are some things that have worked for me.

• Keep it brief.  The more you talk, the more it weakens your resolve. A firm “No” is enough.
• Don’t apologize. You’re not usually really sorry. Stick to the point.
• Don’t engage in an explanation or excuse. It’s nobody’s business.  
• Learn some pleasant, but true ways to say “No”  if you’re uncomfortable with this. Smile while you saying these. 

 .            –I have other plans. (Maybe you have to paint your toenails.)
              –It’s not a convenient time for me. (You planned to spend the evening enjoying quiet time.)
              –It’s not a good time for me. (Try back when pigs fly.)
          
           Telephone tips

• Look at caller ID before picking up your phone. If it says Unknown Caller, let them remain unknown.
• If you recognize the name, but don’t want to talk, don’t pick up the phone. They’ll leave a message, or not.
• When you pick up the phone and it’s a telemarketer hang up, especially they say 
                –”May I speak to Mr. or Mrs. …”

I bet you feel better just imagining yourself saying “No” in these situations. Now make it real. You’ll be so glad you did.

I just finished reading Tolle’s book,  A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, and have been looking for ways to stay in the Present. Rather than dwell on the past or look to the future, Tolle reveals that it’s only by staying in the Now, in the Present, that we can experience joy, consciousness and our life purpose.

When I watched Usher’s remake of Gene Kelly’s classic “Singing the Rain,” I didn’t know at first why it resonated so with me. Now I do. 

It gave me great joy to see a young performer exhibit the tremendous talent to capture the essence of the original performance but in his own soulful way.

It also gave me tremendous pride to see Usher’s talent span so many genres.

But most of all, I realized that singing in the rain keeps you in the present. Try it next time it rains. In the meantime, take a walk in the sunshine.

Once I asked my college students to raise their hands if they ever talk to themselves. Only a few tentatively complied.  Little did they know, or want to admit, that we all talk to ourselves. This voice is called by many names. Most experts call it our inner critic.

I call mine Susie.

Susie likes to remind me of my failures or bring me down when I am meeting strangers or trying a new skill. Her goal is to dredge up sad memories and deflate my self worth.

The first thing I do to disarm Susie is to acknowledge her presence. Then I command her to sit down.

Susie is afraid of everything. Failure. Success. Riding. Driving. Flying. Speaking. Making mistakes. You name it, Susie fears it.

Now you can understand that if I’m to continue to achieve and enjoy, Susie must be acknowledged and silenced. She can’t be ignored. She can’t be killed. She’s invincible like the character in Terminator who appears to be destroyed when shot, but in a few minutes just melds back into the same character continuing his pursuit.

Though our inner critic never goes away, we can like cowboys taming a wild horse, bring this unruly voice under control. The cowboy (at least in the movies) succeeds not because he yells at the bucking horse from safety outside the corral. Horses are intelligent animals and their behavior is how they survive in the wild.  When the cowboy climbs on the blustering animal and stays aboard, the horse recognizes that all his kicking and jostling is counterproductive and becomes calm. Like us, the horse was afraid at first. (Relax animal lovers. No animals were harmed during this metaphor.)

We can’t ignore or wish away our inner voice. We must get the upper hand. As a matter of fact, getting our inner critic under control is our only way to enjoy success and happiness.

Left to her wild behavior, Susie would have me floundering in self-destructive behavior or cowering in a corner.

Some think that positive affirmations can silence the inner critic, but before the positive words can take hold, we have to stop the inner critic in her tracks.  

Sometimes I silence Susie gently, other times I have to get firmer and say “Shut up!”  She whines her way back to her corner acting hurt, but I know it’s temporary. She’ll be back to her old tricks the next time I take a risk.

How are you handling your inner critic?

I was having dinner with a friend who has been a lawyer for 30 years.  He told me about an experience he had as part of a panel speaking to an audience of new lawyers.

One of the young lawyers asked the panel, “What’s the best way that we as new lawyers can help the poor?”

“By not becoming one of them,” my friend fired back.

I laughed at this story, but he was so right.

It reminds me of the airplane safety message about putting on your oxygen mask first before helping any child traveling with you.

Many people are compassionate about helping others, but are in dire straits themselves. You can’t give others what you don’t have yourself.

So if you long to help the poor or anyone else be sure you have first attained what it is you want to give.

“There was a very cautious man Who never risked, or tried. He never hoped, he never failed; He never laughed or cried. And when he one day passed away, His insurance was denied For since he never really lived They claim he never died!” When I saw this poem on Rich Vosler’s blog recently,  I reflected on what we mean by living? It’s clear that people can live very different lives and still experience happiness.  So what did this poem mean by “living?”

There are a number of dictionary definitions that most people can claim as true for them. Living means to exist, financially support yourself, dwell in a certain location, and remain in human memory. These are all worthy and important things. But I’m sure the poem refers to the deeper and broader meaning of living– leading a satisfying, active, purposeful and happy life.

What can you do to lead a satisfying, purposeful and happy life?

This is the best part. The answer is different for each of us, but the way to get there is to do what makes you happy and adds joy to the lives of others.

Most of us knew how to have fun when we were children. Remember when you would laugh at an odd sound or a funny face or absolutely nothing? Or skip to school? Or fall in the snow and just stay there making snow angels? To start living, get in touch with your childlike spirit.

Decide what you’re passionate about, what gives you joy and spend time doing more of it. The ultimate in happiness is being to do this for a living.

As pointed out in the poem, living is also risking failure by going after what you want, and giving in to tears when they come.

So, avoid coming to the same fate as the person in the poem. Get busy living.

There are those who pretend they are too weak or incapable of doing things or don’t have the money in order to manipulate you into taking care of their responsibilities. One coworker, for example,  never seemed to have money when a group of us wanted to go out to lunch. In the beginning we would take turns picking up her tab. Once we figured our her game we kindly told her we’d love to have her join us whenever she could. And off we’d go without her.

Those who want you to abuse them often push your buttons hoping you will react by attacking. When you don’t respond as they hope they may try harder. Eventually they may ask “What’s wrong with you?” This is a signal that you’re no longer playing their game.

Then there are the people who get pleasure out of controlling others with tactics ranging from deception to humiliation to threats to outright physcial violence. The moment you discover you’re in the company of one of these toxic people run for your life because that’s exactly what’s at stake, your life. Even if you love this person, for your safety you must love them from afar.

You deserve happiness. If you’re reading this, you already know that deep down. What you’re looking for is within. Don’t let anyone block you from experiencing the joy and happiness that is yours.